Dilemmas...

So given my last post I think it's pretty safe to say that I am coming up upon a transition point.  Two years of "little" to show for my passion, past, and hard work is tough to take, and I now may have a decision to make.  I got another call from the organization in Connecticut that I had spoken with about working for them several months ago.  They now want me to come up to their Massachusetts office for the whole of next week and feel each other out and see what kind of future could be possible there.

The previous position they had talked about was basically an entry level position with barely enough of a wage to justify moving to Connecticut, nevermind getting really excited about the immediate career option.  That position, weighed against the piecemeal system I have set up here in NY that caters toward my long term ambitions, my Africa work, and family/friends, was tough to justify moving for.  However, they are now talking about something entirely different, thus a dilemma.

The organization, New England Business Associates, is based in Springfield, Massachusetts (with several other offices in MA) and is a non-profit organization that specializes in working with people with disabilities.  They are now expanding their operations into Connecticut.  It has been three months since I originally interviewed with them (and they then unceremoniously fell out of touch with me).  However, they have now reappeared and offered me what seems to be the number two position in Connecticut, and what may be the highest permanent position there.  Their Director of Development is spearheading the expansion and overseeing everything right now.  As would be expected, she seems to be getting a bit overwhelmed as things take shape there.  Thus the need for more wo/manpower.

This type of position completely changes my evaluation of the options in front of me.  Obviously nothing can be decided until the end of next week when all the details of my options will be directly in front of me.  However, this doesn't mean I can't lay out my options here in advance and help set a foundation for a decision (and solicit advice).  So here we go, present day:

• Living in my family's home, which they are in the process of trying to sell.  Meaning uncertainty presently, and that I would then have to either find my own apartment (which I can't afford as am), live in a car (which I have yet to attain - though am close), or move in with my grandparents (which requires a discussion within itself).
• I am committed to working as a girl's lacrosse official which would bring in a livable income and is between 50 and 91 dollars per hour.  Good money, but only lasts through mid June.  I could get another flexible retail position, and there is a pittance from unemployment should I not make enough in a week.
• I am volunteering with Safe Harbors in Newburgh on two events there, a community clean up day and a 5k road race.  I must admit though that it has been tough to do this given a depressed state of mind and/or trying to focus on getting myself out of this state.
• I have a long standing network of friends here, one that since my Africa trip and malaria, seems to have become really important to me.  It's almost like since my time alone in the hospital I want nothing more than social interaction and genuine friendly compassion.
• Family.  My grandparents are 87 years old.  They have lived a long full life and deserve to have people there for them (they live about 3 minutes drive away now).  My parents have been helping them their whole lives and are in a tough position right now in terms of housing and will be moving to Rhode Island.  My grandparents will be left alone here in the NY area.  I want to stay here for them.  It would mean so much to both of us.
• Time to write and read.  My long term goals are about thinking, reading, writing, creating new ideas and systems.  I have time right now to spend doing all these things.  I have gotten off track a bit with the malaria, but am finding my way again.  I could try to publish some things I've been working on, and make myself more knowledgeable.  
• My Walking Lion project, both Sierra Leone and locally.  If I took a job in Connecticut I'd have to mostly leave this behind.  I could not travel to Sierra Leone for more than a couple weeks a year and I wouldn't be living in Newburgh or even close enough to do anything there.  I put in a lot of work, said a lot of things that I want to stand behind, and made some serious sacrifices that I would hate to have go to waste.  Granted there is not much to count on (I think I'll have to write another post on that), but as I've said, the whole thing is notoriously slow.  I just spoke to Yapo and then got a follow up email from him as well.  The solar lamps aren't looking so great right now do to legal issues.  Other options are being discussed, but there are lots of uncertainties.  But I have time on the ground and a part of my heart is there, I want to do things, the things I said I would try to do.  If I take a different job, I can't do them.  I couldn't actually go there for enough time to get things done as I'd like.
• Future PhD, I have been thinking about this for years and always come back to it.  I was thinking to take a class at CUNY in NYC (a top choice for me) in the fall to try to help them see me for what I am, rather than the poor dyslexic test scores I have.  I would then apply next winter for School in 2012.  I could then stay in NY and be around for my grandparents indefinitely and move toward my longer term goals and the future I want.  (Success with my Africa work, and time writing, would really help my application as well). 
• Freedom.  I would be free to come and go.  Africa, Central Asia, Europe.  Wherever I could be learning and bettering myself, and writing about it.  Nomadic, poorly funded, but working towards my goals one shoe string at a time. 
• Basically, I have established a nomadic, poorly funded, and fluid lifestyle but am working towards my goals one shoe string at a time.  But there is no stability.  There is no security.  Perhaps if I had a stable home it could be.  I have enough unemployment and part-time work to survive while I try to attain my goals.  Housing is the only real uncertainty.  Yes, it would be nice to have finances to live off and to set up other things such as Africa, but it is not life threatening with out.  This road would be much more difficult and risky than the other, but could get me where I want to be longer term sooner, and only makes sense if viewed in terms of these long term goals.

 Option two, details TBD:

• Be an intricate part of setting up, and then running, an expansionary program for people with disabilities in Connecticut.  It sounds at this point that I would be in a key position and perhaps the regional manager in the future.  A challenge with a good level of responsibility, and satisfaction doing something I would believe in.  A very appealing option.
• Stability.  I would have a decent salary, benefits, vacation time, etc.  I have not had this for a long time and it could open up many doors for me.
• Moving to Connecticut.  This by itself does not present much of an issue, except for what I would be leaving behind.  I would be an hour and a half away from my grandparents.
• I could save money, set myself up for future endeavors, donate to Africa or wherever, travel on vacations.
• Write in my free time, which I would think I would have a decent amount of.
• Basically, this option is the standard American option.  Same normal life that everyone here thinks of when they think of an ideal life.  A job, a home, stability, etc.  Something I need, something I would really like.  I could do this for years and find comfort in it.
• I will not know the extent of it in terms of scope of work or pay until next week.  We shall see... 

I think the essence of all this is that it is a change of life.  I will be walking away from everything that I have been doing and working towards for the last however many years.  I will be committing to the US, to a career pathway I haven't necessarily always wanted.  I will be giving up a lot of the things that have been important to me and i have worked towards.  I always want to be abroad, seeing, learning, doing, helping.  So many friends abroad, a way of life that feels more comfortable to me.  I have sort of fallen into this sort of alter ego, "walking lion", and I like it.  I like who I am and what I am working towards.  Settling in in the middle of Connecticut, making new friends, meeting knew people.  But will they be the type of people I will really identify with, want to be around and help me move towards my longer term goals?  Will my life really be a life that I can identify with?  I feel a bit like I would be settling and giving up for a bit, swimming with the tide, becoming a part of the system, part of what the problem, the band-aid, in our world is.  But I would also be able to breath while doing something I would believe in and enjoy.  Something that could facilitate any number of things in the future.  Which is this the right thing to do?  Be a part of society to change it, or stick to its fringes?  I know everyone's advice will be to take the job, but will any of those people ever change the course of history?  Will I?

Answers

So it is always amazing how a nights sleep so easily sets things down in such an easier manner. I have purposely made this scenario of the last few days very public here on this blog. I have come upon something within me that I see as weakness, and perhaps most people wouldn't expose. But I expect more of myself than what I have come to here in the last several days. I feel I can do anything, but I have wavered in this scenario. But the true test of a situation is not always just via your own heart and/or eye, but through the eyes of others - Friends, family, etc. And you all have been great, I asked for advice, and got it from every corner, and it was so helpful to hear that people are happy for me to be me, as I am, and happy with me. That it is not failure to leave early just a reaction to simple change. "You are NOT a failure if you never take out your stove or hammock or even do any walking!! The goal you went with was to help people in need, that you are succeeding at with flying colors." This message was throughout and means a lot to me. People who's opinions matter. This is what makes us all stronger - supporting each other, loving each other. By sharing the load, I have been able to shoulder the burden.

The essence of the dilemma as it seems, is that I have read and read, learned and learned, theory after theory, yet even as I "knew" things, seeing and being them is still different.

"With much learning comes little wisdom"
-Lao Zi

This trip has forced me to reassess my ideas on life and development. Ideals change with the introduction of new ones. This trip has taken a lot out of me, but it has added a lot as well. The final decision making on leaving early is that I think I need to sit down at a table, when 80% of my energy isn't spent on daily survival, and reform my strategic plan of action for making a difference. The concept I came with needs to be changed. Then I can come back and make things happen, working from a better gameplan with a more stable foundation.

The thought of leaving early

I think that the key to this whole situation is that I am staying with a family and trying to do business, and it is not working for me right now. I came here to learn, and while I am learning, I am not learning a diverse amount about the whole country. It is all about a few people in one place. Before I make any decisions about when to leave I need to get out into the original plan at least for a day or two and see if two months of walking is worth more than getting back to the States and getting to work there. I would have to leave here December 6th for it to be cost effective. That would give me 3 more weeks to walk.

Please, advice from anyone on this scenario regarding the last few posts would be greatly appreciated. One more month would be ideal, but that is not the case... I just hate the idea of leaving early, a part of me feels like It would be giving up...

The Heart of the Dilemma

I guess what it really all comes down to is that I am up against a seious dilemma. I came here to spend three months walking through the country learning, and looking for opportunities to help facilitate what people here want. I also wanted to raise awareness of life here in Sierra Leone and Africa in general. The last part I feel I have completely done at least for the people reading this.

As for the first part, I havn't walked anywhere. I havn't even taken my hammock out or set up my stove yet. This was going to be my way of meeting people and learning. If I don't get some of this in I will feel as though I would be coming home defeated, or somehow having not having fulfilled my purpose. As for the identifying opportunities, I have identified more than could possibly be feasible to work on now. So in this sense the trip is a smashing success.

The issue that makes all this a dilemma is that I have realized that there is little I can do from here under these current conditions. I have no funding, I have no resources to pull from, I do not have an established team here, and I do not have functional connectivity here to the information that could help me circumvent most of these issues. I am prepared to walk, not to make a business run and excel. My partners here think I should go back to the US early and set things up there, including funding. I see exactly where they are coming from. I have wanted to stay here and get things here set up. But realistically this could take months of unpredictabilty that I am both not prepared for and not so certain I would last through. The machines "should" come in January, right when I should leave.

So what do I do? The cost of an early trip home is a lot, hundreds of dollars that I would have to put on a credit card. And I still want to get some hiking in. I have to at least get up Mount Bintumani - the tallest mountain in West Africa. I also have the possibility of a grad student from UCONN that has been contemplating coming in mid December to join me on the hike - which at this point would be a very welcomed scenario. I am realizing that this would be a better excursoon with a partner to hike with. But the social scientist in me just liked the methodology of the single hiker walking into a village!! Reality.

So again, what do I do? If I leave early I will feel like I've cut myself and my trip short in some way. Almost like I've given up. But at the other end, I've learned so much, and actually can probably do more in the long run if I head back to the states and make some things happen there that will benefit things here. There also is the frustration deep down inside that I feel this was getting the best of me. Logic can make you feel like you're making a good decision, but the heart and the soul don't lie. What if I'm just trying to find a way out of this scenario right now?

I feel that I have made such a sacrafice to come here, even to the point of accepting in the back of my head that I may not come back. I have given a piece of me to be here to try to help people that say they want help and opportunities. But at the same time they do not seem willing to make simple changes or alterations, nevermind sacrifices, in their daily lives. I don't mean to sound like a martyr, but as David (a Brit expat that works here in a cushy position) came out of nowhere and said to Lindsay and I yesterday that he would NEVER do what we were doing here. Wouldn't even think about it for a second, NOT ONE (his emphasis). Yet I am here doing it, on my own, with just some cash in my pocket. Most people wouldn't do this, and I'm not doing it for myself, but for other people. I guess I'm just frustrated that these "other people" don't seem to appreciate it. I know, different cultures. But don't tell me you want help if you're not willing to partake.

Case in point: I said to myself this morning, I will ask them to get prices on the other bricks in the market and what we could charge for our bricks. I was very adament about the need for this and about the urgency I thought it had. I made a mental note, if they come back they are serious, if they don't then I should start thinking in different directions. It is 9 o'clock at night here, Kaps just got in. I asked him how his day was. He answered about random other things. Then I asked what he'd heard about brick prices. He gave me some blah blah story that didn't add up and kept changing. He'd talked to someone, but then was on the internet. He said something about talking to the machine company. No then it was the brick company he talked to, but he would find out more tomorrow. Oh, so you spoke with someone? So how much did they sell bricks for? Oh, well I blah blah blah... He didn't REALLY call anyone. And Yapo said he would call me later and let me know. I spoke to him at 12, and nothing since. Their entire tone and demeanor has changed since yesterday. Like they realized this was going to be hard. Why should I spend my day fighting with a computer virus, and all the other things life here is for an opotu, when the people here are not willing to change their daily agenda enough to help their helper? If I do all the work, how am I "helping". And if I'm not helping, what am I doing but telling?

So do I stay and see unpredictable projects through? Do I leave and go on my hike? Do I get an earlier flight and hit Mount Bintumani while I wait? No matter what happens I'll feel defeated unless I stay the whole time I'm supposed to. But sometimes it is in defeat that we find our path to victory...

"Rather than advance an inch it is better to retreat a yard... ...when to great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield." - Lao Zi