Rutgers!!

Ahhhh....... :) After five years, three applications, a whole host of struggles thoroughly documented on this blog, and a whole lot of work fostering relationships with faculty there, I have finally been accepted to Rutgers Anthropology program!  :)  I can not tell you how big of a deal this is to me.  As my mom said, the only other thing in my life that really compares is being offered a place on the West Virginia Football team when I was a senior in high school.  At that point in my life I had been working for all 17 of my years to make myself the best athlete I could.  It was my dream to play Division I football, and on a trip to Morgantown, WV the recruiting coordinator extended his hand and an offer to play for them.  They had finished third in the country that year, and I was going to be playing for them.  I'd worked so hard, endless days running, catching, pushing myself to physical exhaustion - fighting both to make myself better, and against all the people that said I'd never be able to to it.  But I did, I made it.  And while what I did with that opportunity involves a lot of youthful indecision, and adult regrets, I learned from it.  And now I will be going to "play" at one of WVU's former Big East rivals!

I wasn't expecting much more from Rutgers than I got last year when I was put on their waiting list again this year, but over the last week they'd sent me a few hints that I needed to still be patient.  I didn't want to think to much in to it and start hoping, but I did return to their website and reenvision myself there if even just to be able to compare with Binghamton.  I spent most of this week in Binghamton, and was going to be writing a blog post about that visit today, however that post has just been high-jacked by a phone call I got while nestled in the depths of 25 Central Park West's servants entrance to apartment 7Q.  I'd just rung the doorbell to the servants' entrance with no answer, the guy the takes you up the elevator and monitors that you don't go crazy or steal things, decided to try the front door just as my phone rang.  A 908 area code, Jersey!  It was not stored in my phone.  Immediately I thought of Rutgers and said F-it, I've gotta take this.  I answered and it was the director of graduate studies.  Immediately I thought, there's NO way he'd be making a personal call to me to say I did NOT get accepted!!  He then said, "I'm not sure if you've read your emails" (I said I hadn't), but I wanted to give you an actual phone call to offer you a position in our program, with funding."  I can't even explain the emotions I felt, the senses, the moment, it all went hazy, emotional, exuberant.  I couldn't express to him enough how great it was to hear this!  I quickly had to tell him though that I was at work and couldn't talk, but said I would check my email and try to get back to him if I got a chance while at work!  

The funny thing though, was that I didn't say yes on the spot.  I knew better given past mistakes, like the decisions I made involving leaving football at WVU. Thus I now always sleep on any decision of consequence.  Also, one of the first things that ran through my head was Binghamton.  I had just spent two full days attending classes, meeting professor, and feeling comfortable with a future there.  They have such great people.  The students, the faculty, the administrators.  I really enjoyed my time there, and know there are a lot of things that I could do there, even things I couldn't do at Rutgers.  A radical department for a radical scholar such as myself!  But my emotions and innate reaction to this news from Rutgers didn't allow for a decision, wei wu, action without action.  My body, mind, and soul knew right then and there were I was going to school.  I don't know how I am going to tell the people at Binghamton.  But I told them this may be the decision I had to make and that it would be tough to turn down a top ten Anthropology program.  But it is not just that.  The offer comes with four years of funding.  The first year in the form of a fellowship for $22,000, and the next three as a Teaching Assistant fro $26,000 per year. There is a full tuition remission and healthcare throughout.  While the cost of living is less in Binghamton, their three years at $15,000 per and a tuition remission, is still less, nevermind that I'd then have to pay for healthcare there.  But all told, its a no-brainer, and the people I met there, that either were honest about the two options or were in Anthropology and knew what Rutgers had to offer, thought I'd be crazy to even consider it!  But to me, I think the main difference is the organization and faculty mentoring at Rutgers.  Binghamton is largely self directed (a big positive), but with discombobulated support and institutional structures/guidelines.  I never got the same story from anyone regarding what the process exactly entailed with their evaluation process and their "area papers", but it wouldn't have kept me from going there, especially as they are actively working to rectify it.  I felt very confident that I could have navigated the program.  I did get a lot of students that said they struggled to find a "mentoring" role from above, that guidance was sporadic and dependent.  One faculty member when directly asked about mentorship said "oh, we definitely mentor students that we believe in" [my italics].  At Rutgers, I felt like there was so much love.  Students, and faculty alike.  I felt like they genuinely seemed to care about me, especially the second time around when I went to open house this year.  Even the offer email says:  "We are a program that values close mentoring relationships between faculty and students, a supportive rather than competitive environment, and a rich and lively community of scholars."  This is not to say I would not get that from Binghamton faculty.  I met several that I immediately clicked with.  And BU is not a bad program.  It's full of a history of truly revolutionary scholarship and hopefully a wonderful future.  I am finding this really difficult to write as I had such a wonderful time there.  To look the people in the eyes that I stayed with, talked with, had a drink with, and say I'm not coming will be tough.  There is so much talent there, and so much I would have learned.  I will have to figure out how to stay involved with them, but like I said, my body knew where I was going as soon as I got off the phone.  My heart has always been with Rutgers.  A program that embodies me in every which way shape and form.  And I will even get to go to the football games!! 

I called everyone, and smiled for the rest of the day.  Even now, I can't stop talking about it...  ;)     

Moving toward the/a future

So in all the here and there of trying to make decisions about schools and where to go a very definitive moment and circumstance has been illuminated for me.  Months ago I looked at some European schools and settled in on the University of Ljubljana as a good option for me, and one that I was guaranteed to get in to.  The educational merits are there for me to attend this school.  Third ranked school in Eastern Europe, Interdisciplinary program, done in four years max, 1.5 years there and then back here to do (required) coursework at foreign institutions and my research (i.e. could study at Rutgers), etc.  Just prior to hearing back from Binghamton, when the rejections were starting to rain in, I started really thoroughly examining this opportunity.  And it quickly became more about a career and life choice than a school choice.

I started constructing a rationale in my head that made, what could be seen in many ways as a defeat (if I did not get in anywhere here), into a victory.  The problem was that the rationale was in fact, way to sound. As you start to think about your future and creating a place of joy for the long term, you start thinking through things of personal and social importance.  Where you want to get old, what type of society you want to live in, if you had kids what kind of society would they grow up in, does your country embody your beliefs both at home and abroad, and perhaps most importantly what are does a country and its socio-economic prospects for the future hold?

For me these questions made me want to move.  Getting a PhD in America means setting ones self up within the American system, and best positioning oneself for a job here in America.  Going abroad does the opposite.  If I went to Slovenia (a small country of 2 million people, formerly part of Yugoslavia, that is nestled within Italy, the Austrian Alps, and the islands of Croatia on the Adriatic sea and carries a rich history of egalitarian economics and slavic language and culture) I would stand a very good chance of creating career opportunities there.  If I spent four years there I would both ingrain myself within the European academy and Slovenia.  I would speak Slovenian and maybe Serbo-Croatian to some extent, to go with my Czech and the German I studied in college.  If I studied Occupy and the US's suppression of the movement, I would have a strong American studies resume that would make me very marketable on the teaching market throughout Europe, nevermind the areas of Central Europe that I feel at home in.  If I go to school here, the degree could still open some of those doors if I do it right, but not the same social and linguistic ones.  More readily though, it sets me up for a life here in the United States, as part of the Academic and socio-economic system I so readily struggle with.

More importantly though with this logic is that it is a bet on America moving forward.  This right now is not a bet that I feel very comfortable taking.  America is in decline, and the only people (sadly a majority living here) that don't believe this are people blinded by nationalistic rhetoric, our sensationalist media, and/or are just plain ignorant of the signs showing this.  Forget about China's assent and the shear numbers of people in Asia, and the rest of the trajectories of the outside world and lets just focus on America.  We are a disaster.  We are incredibly in debt, of which more than half of that is owned to foreign creditors who now carry US dollars to buy our goods with, except we are not producing as many goods for sale.  That money we borrowed, rather than spend it on investing in our own production (infrastructure, economic production and investment in manufacturing and services for sale to the world) we spent it on wars and tax breaks which are not being spent here at home as much as in larger investments in places cheaper to invest and with higher rates of return (i.e. Asia, Africa, South America, etc.).  This is basic capitalism 101, the capital will flow to areas of lower costs and higher returns.  The US does not fit in to this model at all as it carries high wages and regulations that require companies to do humane things like limit work weeks to 40 hours, provide safe, sanitary conditions for workers, and not lock factory doors so all the people die if there is a fire.  The problem is though that with all this regulation and investment, we are not doing it right.  Our political establishment is deliberately incapacitated and disastrous.  Tomorrow we are about to have this mandatory sequestration that cuts government spending across most all boards by up to 10%.  The politicians are intractable ideologs beholden to a system owned by corporate and private interests that carry soooo much more weight than individual people that would love to think they have democratic control over the country.  While economically speaking we should be increasing public and governmental spending to stimulate the economy we are giving tax/regulation breaks to people and companies so they will stimulate our economy.  But - again - they are all following the basic rules of capitalism and for the most part not investing locally, nevermind in infrastructure and the foundational elements of an economy that expand the economic multipliers for every business (roads, bridges, research, etc), not just those in their supply chain.  Technological advancements, and cheaper labor options abroad are taking higher level jobs away from the American workforce, while the advertisers emphasis on debt fueled consumerism only creates low wage retail and service type jobs fueled mostly by the growth of population and perceived "needs" for new gadgets, widgits, and elves on shelves.  Real wages (meaning adjusting for inflation) have been dropping since the seventies, and since 2008 50% of the jobs we've lost were at a middle class wage level, while on two percent of those that we've regained since the start of the crisis are middle income.

It now takes two incomes to provide what one wage earner used to for a family.  So we go further into debt with credit cards, home equity, medical bills, and soon to become the worst bubble of them all: student loans.  Given the crunch on jobs, and more aptly decent paying career type positions, as these jobs are shipped abroad, our workers become "redundant" and un/underemployment rises.  Education is of course shown as the ticket to a better paying job.  Thus we all have to roll the dice and try to be the one in 500 to get that job, but we have to have the degrees or you don't even get considered.  So we take the loans, go to school, and then nearly 50% of us end up in jobs that don't require degrees or pay for them.  So we struggle to or can't pay back our loans as we don't have enough income, meaning we will forever be financial behind (with no possibility of bankruptcy on federal student loans).  This stagnated struggle of course limits the capacity for the "american dream" of home ownership.  This of course then hurts the housing market, leading to lower values and less jobs.

It seems the only market to get into would then be education, as it is fueled by government subsidized loans that you can't default on, and which financial companies churn and burn through a system of hedges, safety measures, and insurance/derivative options to allow companies to still make money even while consumers fail.  Schools though keep raising tuition, 5-10% every year to upgrade facilities to try to bring in the best students, but this is all based on debt as well and will eventually prove unsustainable.

Most importantly though the education market is predominantly fueled by governmental spending - either through loans, grants, or subsidized tuition - and most importantly to this condemnation of the American system moving forward - is the ideological pathway we are headed down.  In the 50's and 60's when America was  in the midst of its "greatest generation's" heyday, we had as high as 90% tax rates on the rich which progressively went down from there, that tax bracket was down to 35% and below last year.  Capital gains, inheritance, back then the government still made money and spent money - and lest you think this is about entitlement programs, it's not - its about investing in our country's ability to make its way forward economically, and to provide for its citizens and its business endeavors.  I no longer believe that this is what we are doing.  We are cutting everything.  40% of our bridges are in desperate disrepair, not to mention roads, we are destroying our environment with every second we don't act, we sped money on weapons that destroy economic capacity and lives rather than build upon them, all the while "leaving education to the states" while we both cut and "cherry pick" their funding.  We have created an ideological and populist fear of taxes, that is and will slowly strangle us into a privatized, capitalist, profit driven noose that will not invest in common interest projects for the betterment of our economy and society, but rather in short-term individualized profit.  This is not an investment in the future that I think will really create a wonderfully sustainable place to live.

Look at New York City alone.  Go anywhere in the world it seems and most subway systems in major cities are beautiful shining examples of care and functionality.  They look like places meant for people.  The NYC subway system is grossly infested with disrepair and just as much dysfunction as the rest of the city.  Our politicians are grossly corrupt, and we have a draconian policing strategy that has spread throughout the country and infects all of our communities with stiffing repression of minorities and economically disadvantaged people.  And it's only getting worse.  I go into these buildings that I deliver to and see palaces that cover entire floors, two floors even.  Tens of millions of dollars for home after home in a city with a median income below the national average and a cost of living almost double the next closest city.

Fact of the matter is that NYC, like America is going down and ideological pathway that is untenable for the economic and social future of the country and planet.  So how do I, with an eye on my future, make a choice to be a part of that?  Yes, things are easier for me here in many ways as my family and friends are here, day to day things make sense, I know how it works and am rarely surprised functionalities, but still, I am left tremendously wanting.

And the most troubling things is that as I have been reading a People's History of the United States, it is eiry how little things have changed.  New technological faces on the same old systemic problems.  But of most importance in thinking bout this book and life here, I have found myself seeing things through the eyes of the settler to America, the European outcast, the immigrant that picked up there things and family and said I'm going to bet my future on something else than my current existence.  They looked at their lives in Europe, China, wherever, and left.  They didn't know what they were going to, but just knew they didn't want to be where they were.  I don't believe that short term unsettlement is as bad as the decades of the decline that my surroundings are likely to go through.

But is Europe any better?  I mean, the same neoliberal pathways are being followed there as well these days.  But at least they are starting from a place of strength.  Universal healthcare, lives not based solely on work, vacations, safety nets, etc.  I was always happy with the way the systems around me worked when I was there, even if I struggled at places within it.  I came back to the US with the goal of getting a PhD so I could have the qualifications to go live anywhere I wanted and to be able to get a legitimate job and support myself while I was there.

I have no idea where that place is, but I do know that right now what I see out of America makes me feel like those that emigrated from their own countries and came to America.  I feel a lack of hope, a desperation in my surroundings, that makes me think that there are other places to look to for better future prospects.  But where do you go in today's world to escape capitalism?  I don't know that there is any escape.  It's a global epidemic.

So I guess there is no answer.  But I tell you, when I allowed myself to look at a life in another place, less assuming, less aggressive, less competitive and ambitious, with a quieter pleasanter life, I found myself idolizing it.  Shorter time in school, solid job prospects, and a clear transition strategy.  Sigh, now I still have other schools to hear from and Boston (northeastern) and Hawaii are a different place than Binghamton for sure, as is York in Canada, so we will have to see.  But I tell you, Ljubljana - with its juxtaposition to this American future - feels like a nice alternative to spending seven years preparing to spend the next several decades competing in a job market and economy that I've already spent more time losing in than I've even been in.  Plus, we have military bases and kill people without trial or impunity all over the world to satisfy our aggressive global imperialist/unethical agenda.  I don't like saying that I am a part of that, do that, or represent that.  Maybe I am not proud to be an American, or of what America is.  I don't know.  Maybe its time to look elsewhere.

Binghamton!

2/23

So the day after I write the 'defeated' post, I get the email I've been wait for for over five years, and working towards for ten.  Accepted to a PhD program - with funding!  I still have five schools out there to hear from, but with one in the pocket, I have little to worry about!  I can't tell you the relief that it is.  The weight on my shoulders that was alleviated, the pressure on my brow that waned  the pure sense of victory that I felt at that very moment.  I'll probably always remember exactly where I was when it happened.  Coming back from a delivery, I dipped into that horrid coffee chain to catch a quick moment of wifi and download my emails for whenever a moment arose.  I've been obsessively waiting for word from programs, so I quickly ran through the emails for anything.  I see Fred Deyo - I know that name - Binghamton I think, and right underneath it in the subject heading it says congratulations and then sociology under it in the body.  I of course didn't register it right away.  It didn't add up, something impossible to happen was trying to compute as happening in my head, but my head wouldn't let it.  lol.  Yeah, that's pretty much as it seemed.  Discombobulated, out of order.  I opened it, and there it was.  You've "been accepted...with funding".  Ahhhh... even reliving the moment right now feels so empowering and enlivening I'm getting chills down my spine.  It is the final sense of accomplishment for a long road.  I know I will do fine in a program, but I had yet to be able to convince anyone to give this old dyslexic football player a shot at the big time!  But here it is, time to run with it!  We'll see what the other schools say and how Ljubljana plays out, but I know I'll be somewhere come September - and it won't be delivering groceries in NYC!!  :)

The familiar stench.....

....of defeat floats through the air, but I will not wait for it to envelopment me this time.  For I will not be defeated, there is always more than one way to find victory.

I have started hearing form schools.  One by one they trickle in, no, no, waitlisted, no, no, waitlisted.  It is what it all tells me though that is most important.  Year after year I am told the same thing by American academia.  I am not good enough - at least by their arbitrary measures.  Now mind you, it is not over, but I've gotten my rejections from UC Santa Barbara, UC Davis, and Boston College, and my waitlistings from Rutgers and UConn.  There still are six schools out there, but it doesn't bode well to be 25th on UConn's wait list.  And last year I was on Rutgers' wait list, only for them to not even go on it.  They had two spots.  UConn has about ten.  To be that far down on their's means I'm still a ways off.  I was offered a spot in the masters program at BC, but with no funding or guarantee of PhD admissions.  I've already been through two MA programs and turned down the same type of spot last year at the New School.  No, I'm close - as always - but there is something about my application that is not quite good enough it seems.  Grades and GRE's I would imagine.  But it tells me more and more each day.  My skill set does not seem to be what American academia wants.  I am an "armchair anthropologist."  I've been all over the world, lived in all sorts of places, and spent all that time tieing together how things function in this globalized world we inhabit.  But perhaps that is not what they want.  Perhaps it is book smarts they want, not the real world.  They want people who's grades and GRE's show an academic rigor from birth, rather than the dyslexic football playing late bloomer that I am.  But so be it.  I have strength, and I will not be defeated.

I went into this process with the ultimate fall back school, the University of Ljubljana in Slovenia.  If I apply, all I need is the masters (which I have).  No GRE's, no BS, no recommendations, anal probes, retinal scans, or poncy description of what sociological question I'm going to answer.  I just need a masters degree to get in and then I can just put my head down and work without wasting time worrying about what everyone else thinks!  The kind of place for me!

But hold up, let me get back to the beginning.  I still have six schools to hear from and they are some of my top choices and best chances.  I got an ominous email from Pitt today though talking about decisions not being made yet but that they had over 80 applicants for 4 spots - not holding out too much hope.  That leaves Northeastern, York, Binghamton, UC Santa Cruz, and Hawaii.  Hawaii was always kind of my fall back, NEU and York are my two top choices with Rutgers, then Binghamton as really solid, but without decent funding.  With UC Santa Cruz, I am just assuming my declination is a formality waiting till March.  I mean there's a chance at the other five still.  One of my best friends is at York and working for me, but they have only one spot for an international student which doesn't bode well.  Binghamton is really specialized, I'm in or out - experience in this apps game tells me I'm out.  Hawaii is a political science program and not going to get me very far on the job market afterwards I'm thinking.  Northeastern seems to me to be the best shot I've got here in the states.  Not a highly ranked school, and really ideal for me.  But I've thought that before.

So as it is, I'm wallowing in desperation with every ring of a rich person's door bell and "where would you like your groceries miss/sir?"  But not today, for the last few days I've started turning my attention elsewhere.  I mean, I'm not the biggest fan of America on many levels as many of you know, education being one of them.  The system systematically excludes people like me from its perches.  So why not just go to a far flung school in a part of the world that has always felt more at home to me?  Central and southern Europe.  The former socialist areas of the world resonate so well with me.  I don't belong here in the US, its to restricted, to polarizing and conformist.  Thus, I feel restricted and confined here.  I want to fly freely, and the frame of mind I'm in right now is a good one just thinking about it.  Getting a PhD here in teh US is a sevenish year project.  In Europe - given that they recognize my master degrees - I'm done in four.  If I go to Slovenia I would be in an interdisciplinary doctoral program with foci on Ethnology/Anthropology, Sociology, Political Anthropology, History, American Studies, Geography, etc.  Everything I am interested in studying in one place.  And in four years I'd have a PhD.  Also, and perhaps most importantly, if I do the Occupy project I would be ripe to teach American studies anywhere in Europe and be a solid candidate for job throughout the continent.  The program would put me there for a year and a half and then at a "foreign" institution for a semester -  which could be Rutgers, Northeaster, the New School, wherever.  Then I do my research here in NYC for a year, and write up for another and I'm done.  I teach in Europe and do research for a few years, and then I'm still in the same place I would be here after seven years, except I would have already been employed for a few years, already researching, teaching.  And I get to live in Europe.  I get to learn another Slavic language, maybe two as serbo-croatian isn't to far off.  And I'd be happy there.  I struggle here.  But I could still be here, researching etc.  I could also spend the next six months focusing on publishing my MA thesis and something on Occupy to help get myself ahead of the game. So many possibilities.

Honestly, I feel enlightened, enlivened.  I've been back here in the US for almost four years.  It hasn't been very kind to me, nor do I really like it.  I want a PhD, and I like being in Europe.  Why not?

Dirty Jersey!

So I went on Monday to revisit the depths of last year's despair.  Last year's academic quest ended with a last second denial at Rutgers.  I was wait-listed, thus had to wait till the final hours of the April 15th deadline to learn my fate.  This year I've got this new strategy that places the ideal analytical lens below just getting in to a PhD program that allows me to get back to work.  That debate is the Sociology versus Anthropology debate.  I struggle with locating the division between the two in practical terms, but I tend to find more fulfillment in anthropological work and reading - seems closer to the ground.

Anyway, Rutgers is the only Anthropology school I've applied to this year.  Everything else is Sociology, with one political science program and one joint program.  Most of the places I've found do interdisciplinary work, and the people cross over well, but still Rutgers was my top choice last year, and it is hard to imagine it as anything but that this year.  It is tough though.  I am visiting a lot of schools and developing relationships with people and places.  My friend and the critical nature/perfectly structured program at York, the radical joint program at Northeastern, the anti-capitalist global critique of Binghamton, Boston College's focus on public sociology, the Cali schools, Pittsburgh.  There are really good people that I would really struggle to say no to.  Programs that all sound great.  Rutgers, always seems to rise above them though.  It pains me to say that, because I want to work with my friend in Toronto, etc.  But the program just fits.

On Monday I met with I think seven people.  My one friend and professor that I have been working with all year on Occupy.  Then several people I met last year and really like.  It was great to see them again as ther was an immediate familiarity and almost affection.  And then the new people!!  They were great.  The one works on media and the other is a joint criminology appointment.  So right there in addition to the engaged anthropology (i.e. using what you learn to bring change), and the focus on violence, conflict, Africa, American inequality, and with several people working on social movements, they now have the two buttresses of my Occupy project.  There is only four years of funding which is tough.  But your field work usually has funding through external grants and such, and mine would be in NYC most likely so wouldn't be such a challenge to handle.

The meetings went well.  I got some very good questions and had to find ways to frame things in different ways for each person to understand things.  I have two supervisors right off the bat that I would think would be fabulous!  I spoke with both of them for an hour at least.  One lives five blocks away from me here in Brooklyn!  Anyway, as is, this school search is tough, I have the applications in and should start hearing back from places any day now.  I had a positive email from UC Davis, and good visits throughout.  We'll see.  Rutgers would probably be the highest regarded program I applied to.  It would be tough to turn down.  But we'll see, so would York in Canada, and Northeastern in Boston, and Davis in Cali.  So it goes, assuming I get in - an assumption I've made before....

Visiting the future

In the last several weeks I have started visiting schools in an effort to assist my chances of getting in to a PhD program.  I have an extensive list of schools I am applying to and the costs of which are absurd.  But I'm all in - I MUST get in to a program - so I'm going to go sell myself to each one.  The dyslexic football player I am does not seem to look as good on paper as I do in person - as Rutgers reaffirmed to me last year.

So I have been to visit UCONN, York, and Binghamton thus far and will visit Boston College and hopefully Northeastern tomorrow, then Stony Brook on Thursday if anyone is around there.  Rutgers is having an open house on the 29th as well that I will go to.  The only schools left really then would be the west coast schools which I am hoping I can get to, or at least UC Santa Cruz and Davis in the first week in February.  Santa Barbara and Hawaii are a bit too far afield for my current means and time schedule so will have to be left to their own accord.

As it is, I am very happy with the meetings thus far.  (You can read more about UCONN here).  I almost feel like I'm back getting recruited for football again.  The schools have all gone out of their way to show me around and put out the red carpet.  After three visits, York in Toronto is head and shoulders above the rest.  It seems like an ideal program for me.  I met with the closest possible supervisor for me and got on well.  I have some reservations about a few methodology/theoretical issues, but with more information these may be completely resolved.  The fact is that she is an activist and scholar along my mold, just further advanced in her study.  I met with the head of the graduate program as well, and the admin person, and they were wonderful.  Not sure if its because they are Canadian or just that they are nice, but they were great.

I also was up there at the behest of one of my best friends who is doing a PhD in their program and that I know from Central European University in Budapest.  We are now working on very similar things, and frankly I may just want to go there to work with him, nevermind the eleven other faculty members with similar interests.  The program there is shorter - as they value my masters - there is six years of funding, and a flexible core structure that would fit perfectly into my skillset and dyslexic parameters.  Just one method and theory requirement of your choice - quite different from UCONN's two Quants and two Quals plus their courses.

Then of course there is Toronto, which at first glimpse left quite a bit to be desired.  But I as coming from Montreal - which was AMAZING, even under two feet of snow and a wind chill of -14 degrees Fahrenheit - so Toronto could just but subjectively leaving things to be desired.  I mean it wasn't bad, it just looked discombobulated and eclectic, like there was no zoning regulations and you could build anything anywhere not matter what it looked like compared to the thing next to it.  But we had good food, and the rents seem cheep.  I would do just fine there.

From there I went to Binghamton, NY.  I was just in and out and met with some grad students (I'd met with one prof in NYC last week).  They have a really good program for me.  It is very flexible, and you get to set much of it up as per your liking.  But there seems to be some difficulty within the faculty.  I mean the program is completely left and the right vantage point for me, but the faculty seems to struggle at times to work together.  The funding is also an issue.  The give three years of funding and it seems to be causing serious problems with students (I'm hearing the same things I hear from New School students).  The funding is supposed to cover through your comprehensive exams, but it doesn't  seem that anyone finishes them in less than four years.  And it also seems that a really "leftist" program as they describe it does not bode well in grant applications.  One person said grant fund organizations and the government just simply don't fund Binghamton projects and the types of projects coming out of there.  It's tough to hear as well, because Binghamton's core courses would be my electives elsewhere.  Basically, global capitalism, how much it sucks, how unequal it is, and then theories on how to critique it, and the problems with social science's methods.  lol.  So needless to say, it is a great program for me.  But my visit left only more questions and maybe even some reservations.

But, all told, I would do really well there.  They basically said that if you are proactive and assertive that you can get the things done you need to and in a timely manner.  No one has ever accused me of not standing up for and pushing for what I want.  I would do fine there, and intellectually rather well.  Better funding would probably be the trump card.  But we shall see.

Off to Boston tomorrow....

School

So this time of year I have noted at other points has become my favorite.  It is the time when I get to look at the future with hope.  Not the future in general, but mine.  It is school application season.  The time of the year that I can at least hope that this time next year I will be in a PhD program, and the time of year that I always get to engage with my own intellectual interests.  I have put in a number of applications now and still have a few more to go.  UC Santa Barbara, UConn, UC Davis, Hawaii, UC Santa Cruz, Boston College, Rutgers, Pitt, and York (Canada) are all in.  BC and York still have materials that need logisticing, but otherwise there are just a few more to go.  I've got three more spots to fill in my limit and four schools, SUNY Stony Brook and Binghamton, Vanderbilt and Northeastern.  I also have a fall back school in the University of Ljubljana should all go array.  But anyway, I'm almost there.  I'll give a full break down of the costs and finagling it took to bring that down once I've got everything in, but for now I am just about making that last decision and promoting myself at each school.

This Tuesday I just started what should be a few school visits that will help me both decide where to apply and hopefully get in.  Despite having some form of the bubonic plague I jumped in my car and headed up to Storrs, Connecticut to visit UConn and their sociology department.  What I thought was going to be a last minute, one half to maybe an hour's worth of time with a professor or two turned into a four hour red carpet tour of the program and school.  I met with pretty much every professor there on campus at that point and the grad students.  I met with two of my top three choices for supervision and was very happy with them.  One works on social movements and such with a focus on Africa and Ghana and the other has won an award for a published article about a new theoretical way of looking at social movements.  Both were really nice and I felt that I had a good intellectual engagement with them.  The graduate director as well, who works on closely related issues - mostly labor issues - was great also.

The campus itself is getting a major overhaul as they are adding building after building and new professors.  Sociology alone will get 5-6 new professors for next year and one of them would benefit me apparently.  There will probably be more as well in the coming years. While the building they are housed in could use a face lift - it is one of the oldest buildings on campus - it is a classic new England school architecture that is nice.  The school is out in the middle of no where though.  And when I say this I do not mean like Morgantown, WV out in the middle of nowhere (a town of 30,000 in the middle of nowhere), I mean, no town at all in the middle of nowhere.  Like an intersection with a couple shops in it is the whole town.  Suffice it to say, moving there from Brooklyn would be tough.  But then again, I've always dreamed of a cabin in the woods!!  hahaha!!

The program itself has received a face-lift in the last 15 or so years as well.  They have consciously made it more structured.  Not the best thing for me, as they now have two classes required in both qualitative and quantitative methods.  I would like to only have to take one quants class at most, but overall its still really good.  They have moved away from exams as well - a good thing for me - and only require one comprehensive exam to move the next levels of the program.

Anyway, as it is, it was a great visit.  I would do well there and with their staff.  The mere fact that they rolled out a little carpet for me makes me think that I am going to be well considered there.  They'd seen the NY Times videos and went out of their way.  I feel good about my chances.  I was told that they would be starting to make their list in the end of January.  They have pushed their Dec 1st deadline back to January 15th - I would assume because they didn't get enough applicants or as good of ones as they'd like.  They are also likely to be a fall back school for a lot of Ivy type candidates.  The impression I got, was that I should be patient and allow the process to take its course.  That I will be on a list, wait list at worst and that I should just let it all play itself out.  They brought in 11 people last year, which is a lot more than a place like Rutgers that had two last year.  Plus with more Sociology programs in the country there is not the squeeze that there is in Anthropology.

I feel good about the visit.  We'll see where the other schools fall.  I'd certainly like to be in more of a city, but all the same might do well with no distractions!  I am going to go to York in Canada during the first week of January and stop at Binghamton on the way back.  I'll try to sneak out to Stony Brook one day here when I have off from work.  I'd love to get to Cali and check at least Davis and Santa Cruz.  I need to sell myself to these people, bring out my strengths for them.  I'm never the strongest on paper, but in person I carry more merit.  So that's the plan, and its moving forward!

My Statement of Purpose

I started my academic career as an undergraduate in sociology. Growing up in a household that always had to make do with a modest income, my studies emphasized economic injustice in American society and issues of race and ethnicity. I was especially influenced by the way that economic sociology brought social and cultural depth to scholarship on economics that tended to focus almost exclusively on “the maximizing, rational individual.” After completing my BA in sociology, I pursued an interdisciplinary MA in Economic and Social History at the University of Manchester, where I gained exposure to theories and methods from economics, social theory, political science, and history. Together with my supervisor, Peter Gatrell, my research centered on the social transitions that accompanied economic and political transformations in post-Soviet societies. My thesis on post-war Czechoslovakia examined how Cold War politics shaped socioeconomic institutions. Specifically, this project examined how multilateral aid efforts had been undermined by geopolitical shifts, creating economic challenges for the local populace and hampering the reconstruction process. The Manchester program helped me to refine an abiding interest in the relationship between crisis and economic transformation.

Once I completed my MA, I found myself living abroad with no visa and few employment options. So, I took a job in an industry that drew on my past research, although ultimately tested my ethical and political boundaries. Based in Prague, the position involved working on security and economic development in Iraq and Afghanistan. In addition to research, writing, and improving my Czech language skills, my job included work on private and institutional financing, planning and proposing economic development strategies in war-torn areas, government contracting, and aid work. It quickly became clear to me though that I was flirting with war profiteering. The political and ethical conflicts with this job created one of the most challenging periods of my life. However, my disillusionment helped to develop my critique of the relationship between militarism and economic and political development. I saw first-hand how neoliberal development priorities penetrated all facets of everyday life in developing regions, limiting individual and collective empowerment as exploitative low wage employment led ordinary people to make distressing choices between feeding or protecting their families. I watched as neoliberal institutions, corporations, and political interests worked to “rebuild” countries and societies upon the “blank slate” created by war and destruction.

Wanting to situate this critique intellectually, I pursued graduate study at Central European University in the Sociology and Social Anthropology department. Whereas my work at Manchester was focused on macro-level socioeconomic analysis, CEU's program was far more anthropological, providing the opportunity to explore local systems and individual agency to a far greater extent. Classes on development, globalization, power, and resistance exposed me to the scholarship of Karl Polanyi, James Ferguson, Giovanni Arrighi, David Harvey, Arjun Appadurai, and Jean and John L. Comaroff, among others. This line of inquiry led me to realize that the theories and methods employed in many types of economic analysis were inadequate to the social problems and historical contexts that comprised the focus of my research. I was inspired by the insights sociological and anthropological approaches could offer the study of economics and politics.

At CEU I broadened my interest in post-conflict societies through sustained attention to the history and development of Sierra Leone. My research highlighted social and economic crises in the context of the patchwork of structural adjustment programs and various genres of civil strife experienced there. My work centered on the theoretical concept of “liberal peace” (or “democratic peace”), which posits that liberal societies—with their focus on the individual, private property, civil liberties, and free markets—are inherently more stable and peaceful. My research suggested that, to the contrary, an idealized notion of individualism often led to more competition. Because competition is inherently antagonistic, it often leads not to peace but more readily to conflict, increasing the probability of outright war. Following my research on Sierra Leone at CEU, I planned, fundraised for, and undertook an investigative/awareness-raising trip to Sierra Leone to learn and to identify opportunities for community-based entrepreneurial and humanitarian work to help people recover from civil war. As part of building local alliances, I worked on increasing cultural awareness, became proficient in Krio, and used my time to set up a community-based organization in the city of Makeni aimed at small-scale projects that could create jobs and provide investment for the local community. This work helped me appreciate the logistical problems of development aid in Sierra Leone, symptomatic of analogous situations elsewhere in the global South.

Back in the United States, that course of inquiry shifted in the beginning of October 2011 when I became active with Occupy Wall Street (OWS) and channeled my intellectual energy into applying this socioeconomic critique here. For years, I had hoped to establish an online People’s Think Tank for research and discourse using democratic and participatory approaches. When the Zuccotti Park occupation began, I used these skills and resources to help create and facilitate the Think Tank Working Group, which expands direct democracy through the collection and dissemination of ideas by directly engaging and empowering individuals. We continue to facilitate informal, open, and documented discussion forums throughout New York City and have expanded the Think Tank to other Occupations, community groups, and now to a weekly radio show here in New York City (wbai.org). Discussions range widely, from health care policy and corporate personhood to race relations in Zuccotti Park and Hurricane Sandy relief efforts. We have yet to realize the full potential of the project and are currently working on the logistics of how ideas generated in Think Tank discussions can be more accessible to the public, as well as part of public Think Tank research projects involving the ideas generated both through this process and those surrounding the greater movement.

My involvement with OWS has led me to a fuller appreciation of the relationship between economic and social change and academic scholarship on societal transition. My participation has only raised more questions for me about the relationship between liberal democracy and neoliberalism. In particular, I’m interested in mechanisms of social control in neoliberal society. For instance, the state's exceedingly violent crackdown on the protests has been largely shaped by military tactics and narratives based on the so-called “legitimate” use of force. These tactics have repeated modern methods of social control: a monopoly on the use of force, control of ideas, social messages, and protests. My experiences within the movement, and especially my interactions with the media, have raised unavoidable questions for me: Was there a systemic attempt to use repressive/oppressive and ideological apparatuses to exclude ideas, and to unfavorably skew public opinion away from the movement? What (if any) collusion was there between public and private actors—especially regarding the media and policing? How did the movement's own structure and message (anarchic, amorphous, and without clearly enunciated direction) affect coverage and public understanding of the movement? And most importantly, what does the Occupy movement and its interaction with state, private, and informational apparatuses mean with regard to “democracy” in neoliberal America and the world?

These are the questions I hope will frame my PhD work. Broadly conceived, the crux of my inquiry looks at a broader contradiction that has regularly surfaced in U.S. society in the face of civil unrest: On the one hand, U.S. national identity is often articulated in terms of rights and freedoms to political assembly and free speech, civil liberties and property rights, economic and social freedoms, and freedom from the use of repressive tactics often seen in “less democratic” regimes. Yet, this ideal has been in direct conflict with an institutionalized response using brute force, censorship, and coercive methods to suppress the Occupy movement. This was on prominent display during the slow transition of public empathy for the Occupy movement to the "law and order" and state/corporate message that many people bought into, even despite its obvious contradiction to the freedom of speech, expression, and fight for economic and social justice—the true democracy—that people are taught and wish to believe America is about. Are media, police, and public perceptions mere outcomes of a greater contradiction? And if so, to what origins? As the aforementioned institutions are largely shaped by state actions and interactions with private and corporate interests, the study's core would look at neoliberalism's dominant position within the shaping of American policies, worldviews, and culture, as well as exploring whether there is a growing part of America that has become so entrenched in “the system” (media, education, law and order, mass culture, etc.) that they can no longer assess and critique “the system” surrounding them.

Having spent the last year on the ground with OWS, sleeping in the park, organizing discussion groups, being actively involved with the media, engaging with Occupy on every level, and feeling the very repression I look to study, I am uniquely positioned with ties to the movement's core to carry out this study ethnographically, historically, and archivally....

Addendum to the Barriers to Entry

Ooops.....  update to the Barriers to Entry..... it seems that the $17,000 I made in 2011 exceed the $15,600 threshold I need for the fee waiver on the application fees.  It doesn't matter that in the last year I haven't made $5600 dollars, only that over a year ago I made slightly more than the threshold.  What about now?  What about that I haven't made much of anything since and have been living off of the assistance of others right now?  As if the only people that need fee waivers are the perpetually poor, not the recently unemployed or underemployed.  Does poverty only exist in line with the tax year?  No, it is endemic and symptomatic of American society, yet we can't even offer education for our citizens to bring themselves out of poverty.  Basically, the system that's fucked you, just keeps on fucking you.  That's no meritocracy.  That's capitalism.   

The Barriers to Entry

So I am applying to PhD programs again this year.  But as is the American motto, it takes money to make money (or even to try to get the chance to learn how to make money).  This is an issue for me.  I am poor.  I have made maybe 4 to 5,000 dollars this year so far.  I've been staying places for free, working whenever I could find money - political fundraising, childcare, construction, catering, whatever.  All the while looking for real work and doing volunteer stuff.  Nothing has been materializing in my over/underqualified world.

So here I am, back to the old dream and applying for schools.  This of course is met with a broad smack in the face at America's true shame: the barriers to entry faced by low income individuals.  To get into programs I need to "apply widely" (as I've been advised) to increase my chances of entry.  This is something I intended to, but did not do last year for various reasons mostly revolving around my involvement with Occupy.  But the shear barriers to be able to apply to a number of programs are immense.  Between application fees, the cost of sending GRE scores ($25 per school), and transcripts ($25 to send them from all three schools that I attended), is a lot of money.  If I want to apply to ten schools, that is $250 for the GRE scores, and then another $250 for one set of transcripts each (though many schools require you to send two), before you even look at application fees.  The cost of fees which are usually between $75 and $100.  So that's $12-1500 to apply to ten schools.  I have 18 on my short list and 12 that I feel that I need to apply to.  So I'd be looking at $1600 minimum and over $2000 to apply to the bulk of them and give myself the best shot at getting in.  NOt to mention the cost of my time to do the research and write the applications.

Now granted some schools offer application fee waivers for low income applicants.  But not all.  Three of my first six don't.  And it is $275 for those three.   I had been counting on them all having waivers, but there are solid schools for me that I really have to apply to for the best chances of admission.  Two of these I have connections at already working for me that are strongly encouraging me to apply.  But I may not be able to now.  To everyone that thinks America is a meritocracy take a second look.  I may not even be able to apply to some schools because just I don't have enough money.  And one of these mentioned is my fall back school.  I have to apply, it is the only way to try to guarantee my acceptance.  

But what if I was rich?  I could apply to 20 schools, 30 school, whatever.  My chances of getting in would be greater, thus my chances of success in this field greater.  But no.  Not mine.  I'm low income.  I have to make strategic decisions (such as the one that I made last year and then didn't get in anywhere).  I have barriers to my entry.  The Lohan's, Kardashian's, and Hilton's, and Drake's of the world throw money around on glitter, bottles of champagne, strippers, and superficial material things, yet a person looking to go back to school and make both themselves and hopefully some day the world a better places can not do it for the simple cost of one of those bottles of champagne. 

How can anyone say this is the greatest country there is?  We claim to be a place where you can do anything!  Well I may not be able to apply to go to school because I am not wealthy enough.  In most places in Europe, school tuition is free, never mind applications.  If you are good enough to go, you get to go.  I may not even be able to apply, and for no other reason than that I am poor.     

Academia

So it is about that time again; where the academic calender is calling my name.  This year of course its especially loud as the job market proves to have no love for me.  Thus it brings me back to my eternal quest to get into and funded at a PhD program.  I thought for sure last year would have bore fruit.  But it didn't.  I cut my academic nose off to spite my occupation.  It seemed like a great idea at the time, stay in the New York area to be closer to Occupy.  But I overestimated my capacity within the power and strength of the advice I was getting from others in the know about my PhD applications.  I was surrounded by people that knew and fabulously supported me.  I felt like I'd get in everywhere!  But admissions department's don't know you like your friends and colleagues do.  I got overconfident I suppose, and applied most;y to the most sought after programs in the country.  It didn't work out as I got in to one place with too little funding and wait-listed at my top choice.  A couple hundred plus applicants for two spots.  I was in the top ten it seems, but I didn't get in.  Most of the advice I got from friends and family at the time was to give up, walk away, and find a new career option.  How many years to you keep trying before you realize they may just not be interested in my application?


So I put my efforts into Occupy and finding work in the non-profit and/or international development sectors.  It hasn't worked thus far.  My resume seems to not get me far in these communities and today's economic climate.  Not to mention that, as always, I find myself yearning for intellectual discourse, to be able to focus, to just sit and learn and analyze and try to come to new alternative ways of doing and contemplating things.  I always come back to it.  My passion will always lie in this type of work. I just need to find the best outlet for it.


So I've been looking into how to go about this in academia again.  What lessons have I learned from the last several application processes?  What can be changed?  What in fact should I be studying?  I've started formulating some prospective concepts in my mind over the last few months, and reached out to some people that I trust and have helped me throughout.  I feel like this past year and the people that I've found myself involved with has really honed some of my thoughts/perspectives, especially in formulating this concept.  A year on the ground as a part of a social movement brings a lot of concrete insights that are tough for those outside of it to replicate.  Combining this ground level Occupy stuff with my previous work has really broadened my context and critique of society.


In my head this summer I have been musing about writing a book about some things that make a lot of sense in terms of a PhD project as well.  I keep thinking about the meaning of the systemic, institutional, and successful suppression of the Occupy movement.  The main question that came into my head when thinking about American democracy and society as a whole was the question: "when do you give up on America?"  If Occupy can so easily be suppressed and marginalized, what hope do we have?  As I've been conceptualizing this thought, it centers around the systemic suppression of this open and democratic movement using the private media, the use of "legitimate" power in the form of the police, FBI, homeland security, etc, and a myriad of other tools to sway public opinion in unfavorable directions regarding the movement and the use of free democratic speech as well.


The point of it to me though is not to make another report on the suppression of another movement, but to focus on what this means for our society as a whole and our interest/ability to bring about change.  The main premise is that while "America" believes itself to be so many great things, it is in fact statistically falling far behind much of the industrialized world, and that the suppression of this movement (one envisioned to exactly address these issues and to do it with basis of free speech, economic and social justice, and a more inclusive society) tells me that the country could be on the brink of being lost to real change.  Is our society so systematically controlled as to stifle the exact cure of our ills?  Have the individual people (I know loaded and generalized statement) have become so entrenched in the system that they can no longer assess and critique the system?  It seems that we as a society are forced into a steadfast maintenance of daily life and survival, and that we perhaps blindly trust media and the state to the point of ignorance.  Hence what seems like an easy and slow transition from empathy towards the Occupy movement, to an eventual siding by many people with the "law and order" and the state/corporate message, as opposed to freedom of speech, expression, and the fight for economic and social justice/true democracy that we are taught America is about.  Basically, what does it mean for American society to have had a movement aiming to care for and give voice to all people be so resoundingly squelched by the establishment, and for this to seemingly be accepted by the general public as ok. 


I think these are very important issues to be addressed, and which stretch well beyond NYC and the US.  Even to the global issues and Africa work that matter so much to me easily play into it.  When contextualized through a global light, there is a systematic repression of justice movements throughout the world using the same tactics and weapons used here in the US and that all fall within the framework of neoliberal systems.  The police, media, state resources, the corporate control and influence over global political and economic systems.  The pictures and tactics from around the world are all the same.  Police forces and intelligence services being used as tools of capitalist and authoritarian regimes, all in the name of local or international order.  Public money being spent for police to guard private property.  These images even bridge the international political science discourse on liberal/democratic peace theory that I've done work on in the past with domestic issues of democratic voice and internal conflict/force. 

Obviously this global framework would be an important part of understanding the broader issues affecting things here on the ground in the US regarding democratic voice and the Occupy movement in an interconnected world.  But for me in these purposes, Occupy and the US would be a specific research focus to investigate the systemic issues inherent within the neo-liberal system, what the past year means about the strength of this system, and what "its" hold on power and social control is.  I wrote something touching a bit on some of these issues in a really short piece for the MetrOccupied newspaper.

That article brought me to some very poignant research questions that I feel should be asked regarding the media. While there was a wealth of coverage in the beginning by countless media outlets, what happened after the park was lost and the media coverage slowly dwindled away?  Was the media coverage suppressed?  Was it just the news cycle and fickle nature of private media?  Why did the mainstream coverage eventually seem to solely show negative clashes with the police rather than the movement's outputs?  And what of the alternative media that still covers the movement to this day?  What differentiates these media outlets?  I made some decent friends in the media over this past year and my conversations with them only raised more concerns and questions I'd love to ask.

There are also an equal number of questions to be raised in terms of the physical suppression of the movement by law enforcement.  This has drawn a great deal of attention in alternative and liberal circles and there are a number of projects on going that point out the inequities and illegalities throughout both this movement and others.  These studies would provide a solid foundation for a more expansive inquiry/analysis into the nature and legality of physical suppression by "legal" actors. 

That line of thought brings me to the crux of my interest:  the contradiction and conflict within America's national identity - based so profoundly on different types of freedoms - that I feel that the Occupy movement has shown.  From political voice, to assembly and free speech, to economic and social freedoms, civil liberties, property rights, and everything else in between, there is a devout contradiction here as despite this American self-image of being exceptionally free, the violent suppression of the Occupy movement (and others before it) shows that the country is in fact as repressive as many other countries from whom we like to differentiate ourselves.  The question then becomes where do these contradictions and conflicts come from.  What can the Occupy movement show us regarding this contradiction?  What is the "individual American's" role in this?  Do people uncritically accept their circumstances?  How does the concept of law and order and the "legitimate" use of force factor in?  To what extent does the media's telling of this tale factor into people's opinions, their social critique, and an American concept of "freedom"?  What does it mean to believe the media's representations?  And what would a critique of this "America" look like if it should exist?

The contradictions of course go well beyond just the media, police, and public perception.  They are shaped by state actions and their interactions with corporate interests and messages.  Do the police merely protect the interests of the corporate state and state-like corporations?  What is the outcome of this physical repression on the general public's sense of freedom and democracy?  And what of the possible "repression" of information by both state and private institutions?  Does it actually exist and if so under what context?

This inquiry also requires much more than just an interrogation of whether "America" has allowed the Occupy movement to by pushed a side, but what role did the Occupy movement itself play in its suppression?  How does Occupy's general choice not to engage with electoral politics play in?  How does the strong influence of anarchist ideology/principles factor in to the movement's appearance from the outside give current and historical constructs/prejudices?  Realistically, the media came out in droves early, and in many ways provided the support and interest in Occupy (and its related issues/messages) that allowed the movement to explode into a global movement.  So how and why did that change and what was Occupies role in that?  There is a lot of work to be done analyzing media content and frequency, and Occupy's role in framing this coverage, just as there is to discussing Occupy's reactions to the policing and suppression of the movement throughout the multiple levels of the US's social and political fabric.


Ultimately, this project takes me personally so far in the right directions.  It is a long way from Sierra Leone yes, but it tugs at the heart of my larger interests and interdisciplinary soul that will resonate further than "capitalist expropriation in Africa" - which is not a new topic to academia.  This project with Occupy, which has grown within me while having been on the ground with OWS for the whole year, puts me in a very advantageous position.  I mean how many applicants could say that they were living in the park, organizing daily, getting pushed by the police, being both propped up and stifled by the media, facilitating large discussion group every day and turning that into research outputs?  Nevermind maintaining an involvement?  How many applicants would have the background I do and would be applying for PhD's in the same places?  I the parlance of my neighborhood, I've got knowledge and street cred here.  And I've earned it.  I want to use that knowledge and leverage to get to the next level and to provide a proper break down and analysis of both what's happening here and its meaning.

Wooo.....  right, but where do I do this study?  I had been applying mostly in Anthropology over the ast couple years; a discipline that is great at accessing individual agency, power, national cultural images, and critiques of the media, but I've done a lot of work in Sociology as well, a discipline that is really strong on Social Movements.  I also already have a masters degree in history and could piggy back off that; assess the movement through the historical suppression of social movements and of social change in general and in American ideals.  There is also the legal aspect to it all.  There are law schools out there tied to interdisciplinary initiatives that could be very interested in this work.  I personally usually think in interdisciplinary terms as it usually bridges my interests well - giving the the best of many worlds.  But it also has its limits in the depth of analysis.  Those programs are also hard to locate.

I think the key for me is going to be to find progressive/critical mentors, academics and programs that are going to work with me, understanding that I am not just an academic, but an activist, a protester, a dyslexic football player... an all-together different sort of fellow.  So how widely do I apply?  And how do I afford the application fees?  If I am going to do it, I need to get it done this year and i need to get the applications done early.  I need all my ducks in a row, to do lots of research, and make some really astute choices to get in to the right schools.  We'll see.  Time to get reading so I can frame the study in the right way, reach out to the right people, and try to make things happen... Oh yeah, and try to figure out where to sleep next week, whether I'll have enough food, and what to do for the next year until a program would start - if I was to get in!  lol.  What I wouldn't give for a job!!  ;)

Schools

Originally written 4/2, rewritten/updated 5/6

So there I sat, it was April 15th, a day with little significance to most everyone outside of PhD application circles.  I of course was in that circle and desperately waiting for word on what my future would entail.  I had been waiting for months and the past couple weeks had become agonizing.  I had been rejected from all of the viable options with funding except one.  Rutgers.  I was on the wait list there.  200 plus applicants and there was only two spots for socio-cultural anthropologists.  I didn't know where I was on the waiting list, but knew it was a small list and only two offers had gone out.

I had been working towards this for almost a decade.  Now it was down to final week of waiting.  It was agonizing, but not as agonizing as getting final notice that I was not accepted anywhere.  So please bare with me in this novelesque post as this is going to be a hard one for me to write.

I have put a lot of effort into "school" over the last ten years.  In 2002 when I went back to the US from Prague I went with the idea of going to business school for sports management.  I wanted to capitalize on the work I'd done with American Football in Europe.  I very quickly decided though that while I loved the work with football, developing the game, and working with kids in such a multicultural setting, it wasn't what I really wanted out of life.  I had for a long time been intrigued by the Peace Corps and instead chose to work towards that.  I went through the application process and was nominated to go to Central Asia, but with about a month to go I backed out for what I thought at the time could have been the love of my life.  I had planned to go back to school after the PC and was eyeing up international studies programs, sociology and anything really focusing on systematized inequality.  So I decided to move my studies up while giving that relationship a chance (two plus years in the hills of Central Asia doesn't make for much hope in a relationship!). 

But first things first, I have gone through an incredible evolution intellectually and personally here.  I started at West Virginia wanting to be an exercise physiologist and athletic trainer, I ended up studying sociology - reading people like Karl Marx and Max Weber, working on race relations and economic and social justice issues.  I was never presented with anything like that in high school and became incredibly intrigued by critical theory - especially critiques of Capitalism.  After graduation and a bit of time in corporate America I moved to Prague.  The two years I spent in there from 2000-02 really opened up the former socialist areas of the world to me and the in-depth intrigues of different ways of life.  I also had a keen interest in History and specifically Genghis Khan so I was brought closer to Central Asia and the parts of its socialist past and present.  I decided I wanted to study socialist transition, both to and from, as well as all in between (it still makes me nostalgic and curious even in this moment as I'm writing).  I applied to the University of Manchester in England for an Masters program in Economic and Social History.  I was going to study Central Asia the socio-economic transitions there as i found the racial and ethnic composition fascinating.  All the while I just wanted to learn different ways of systematized life throughout history.  How is it that societies structure themselves and people emerge as cultural entities.  With all of this understanding perhaps we could work towards new alternatives.

The British education system was a culture shock to me.  It was more of a self study environment than I was used to.  At the time I complained: "I went to school to be taught, not to be in a self study program!!"  But as it was, it was a great thing for me, and one I cherish now.  Of course though, my research changed tremendously.  Not on purpose mind you, but because the person I applied to work with on Central Asia went on sabbatical.  So as I had lived in Prague and spoke some Czech, I became an expert on the post conflict reconstruction of Eastern Europe and Czechoslovakia after World War II and debates on multilateral versus unilateral aid/development.  I focused on UNRRA and the united nation's involvement in reconstruction at that time.  It played heavily into cold war politics, sovereignty, and power politics.  It was right around the time the shooting in Iraq was slowing down and the world was starting to argue over the who would be involved in the reconstruction.  I loved the work.  I loved the learning, the analysis, the writing.  I spent over 6 weeks in the UN's archives in New York City and met some amazing people.  I then did my writing up in Boston while selling running shoes!  It left me yearning for more.

I had applied straight to the PhD program at Manchester and been accepted, but without funding.  The Master's degree had cost me a lot of money living in England for that year, and three to four more would have easily required at least a hundred and fifty thousand dollars in student loans at that time.

Instead, I decided to go to China and learn what life was like there.  you'll see this pattern throughout this post.  constantly reaching for something, getting teased by it, and then finding another outlet for my curiosities - as always, interested in how different people and places function.  I have always had a very keen interest in many things Chinese so going there tied a lot of things together for me.  But the friend I went to China with decided not to go through on his plans to start a school there (I was going to help him set it up).  I quickly found myself back in Prague looking to apply properly for PhD's throughout Europe.  However, I found a job through a friend doing research, writing, and development work for an organization working in Iraq and Afghanistan on reconstruction issues.  I figured, hey, this is what I'd be going to school for and would be doing after!  So why not now!?

I'll leave that experience for another story (I actually started writing a book about it as it was so complex and mortifying!).  But anyway, two years later I was desperate to get back to academia and away from what I considered war profiteers.  I had spent a lot of time looking at European schools and questioned how to fund it, so I turned my attention to US schools not realizing I had missed the deadlines.  Rather than keep treading water, I applied to Central European University for another MA (this time in Sociology and Anthropology) while I waited to apply again the next year.  I was still studying reconstruction and development.  I'd started expanding into Africa from my Eastern European and Central Asian roots.  I loved what I was learning in Budapest, but didn't mesh well with the system and faculty there.  I "was a bit more of a revolutionary than an academic" I was told at one point by a professor.  He also said I was one of the most original students he'd ever had (and was very encouraging), but continued to say that the faculty was somewhat threatened by both that and my bold approach.

I suppose this is as good a place as any to say that I'm dyslexic.  I don't read as quickly as most apparently, spell like a drunk foreigner, and process information "differently".  All this translated at the time into a bit of a rebellious approach and a need for deadline extensions.  The issue at the time though was that while I went into Manchester somewhat subconsciously "timid" given my "disability", I went into CEU empowered by actually having a diagnosis of dyslexia and ways to deal with it.  I used to think everyone else was smart and I just had work hard and try to get there.  Now, I had been told that my ideas were not wrong, just that I saw things differently and that I should stand up for them and be firm in my analysis.  This however backfired a bit as I took it tool literally.  Anyway, I worked myself into the ground in many ways.  I have issues with allergies and something called Fybromialgia and it caught up to me.  I got sick and had to get extensions on my work.  This of course lead me back to NY as my work/student visa's for Europe all ran out.  While I was able to get some coursework done back in the US, eventually the realities of life got in the way and I had to focus on living, housing, food, etc. I never finished the degree.

This was really disappointing as I really liked the direction my work was going in.  I had started wholly interested in sociology but started to really get much more indepthly into Anthropology.  I got closer to the type of globally focused work on individuals and their agency within systems of economic, social, and political power.  Economic development, social transition, etc.  It was very interesting stuff.  I had started working on Sierra Leone and the concept of the individual.  How "liberalism" with its emphasis on individual and personal rights, private property, human rights, free markets and such, create and individualized society based on competition and conflict.  My work was on Liberal peace (liberal democracy), which is basically the theory that two countries that are both democracies would not go to war with each other because their two populaces would theoretically never actively choose to go to war with each other - that liberalism created less war and conflict.  My work was specifically showing the opposite of this that individuals acting solely out of self interest end u being inherently competitive, which of course more readily leads to conflict and perhaps even war.  

During that year in Budapest I had applied to seven schools in the US for Doctoral studies.  I had done extensive analysis of PhD programs in sociology that included an exhaustive excel spread sheet with personalized rankings and measures for each school based on school and departmental rankings, courses, faculty, ideology, collaboration, etc.  I very hastily applied as well to a few anthropology programs.  Sadly though, I did not get in anywhere.

This of course made returning to the US bittersweet in so many ways.  I had started writing a book on "the death of an idealist" a few years back and it all seemed so close at that time.  It was about how difficult it was for a person of principle of incredible ethical standards and fortitude to find a place in our world.  No matter what you were doing it seemed that working towards the common good was such a foreign concept.  I so desperately wanted to be doing this type of work.   

So as it was, while my academic interests were very important to me, I now had to sort out a life without it for a foreseeable future.  I applied everywhere with no luck, but managed to get random jobs and tried to start random businesses/non-profits.  One kept my intellectual interests alive.  It was a website that would be the precursor to the Occupy Think Tank of today.  Alternativeideas.org, an online platform where people could put ideas and where issues and the ideas related to them could be worked thorough in workshops aimed at creating new policy options.  The principle was that technocrats, academics, and political types held a monopoly on the information used to generate policy, and that a grassroots groundswell of ideas could be used to supplement this decision making process.  I didn't get far with it though as I didn't get funding to build a proper website.

I pressed on with looking for work in my field, but when I didn't find much of anything in my areas of interest, I threw everything into the trip to Africa that is discussed within this blog.  I had been looking to study and/or get development jobs in Africa, but had never been.  So I just went.  I planned, fundraised, and undertook an awareness raising and educational trip to Sierra Leone.  It was transformative for me.  But one thing that was not lost on me was that I wanted to be sure that there was an intellectual research and writing aspect surrounding any work I did in development. 

I came back determined to get back into academia - as always it now seems.  But I knew that finding the right school and supervisors was paramount given my experience.  I had to find the right person to work with.  I of course used the same excel statistical methodology as before.  I started with 176 schools in the US and Canada.  I narrowed that down to 74 with similar interests, and then to 12 definites and another 8 maybes.  This was in August.  I started sending out emails and getting books for all the professors I as interested in.  I was working with disabled people at this time, but spending all my spare time reading and thinking about projects, about Africa, about mineral rights in Sierra Leone, about liberalism, whatever....

Then of course, Occupy happened.  My whole world changed.  The well mapped out strategy for the next year: school apps through January, Africa work in the spring, and then finishing writing a book in the summer before school all went to pot.  I was certain that this time around I was ready.  I had done a lot of personal work on my self, gotten much further into meditation and chi gung, and had really come to peace within myself and with what I wanted to do.  I felt really ready to settle in and get a PhD done.  I thought as it went on, that occupy was going to help the application process.  I was making a difference, I had started this great working group that had attracted anthropologist after anthropologist, while meeting all sorts of occupy and academic types.  I was getting really positive feedback.  I was doing everything I wanted to do!  But it seems that it wasn't what the programs wanted to see.  I put together my applications quickly in December with some fabulous help, but alas, I was still rejected from everywhere.  Actually that is not entirely true.  I was accepted to the MA program at the New School.  I was offered a 25% scholarship towards tuition!  Which meant I still had to pay $24,000 on tuition AND whatever living in NYC cost.  Which is not even remotely worth it having talked to a number of students there.  I already have a masters and their program doesn't guarantee a place in the PhD program.  I could get a PhD in England in 3-4 years and pay less.

But... I did get really close this time.  In January I went to an open house at Rutgers and "fell for it".  They have a great program in "engaged" anthropology that was a lot like the work I'd been doing in Africa and Occupy.  Using anthropology not just as a learning tool, but to instigate change as well.  The faculty was great, I even got to guest speak in a class on Occupy that day.  But close isn't good enough.  Rutgers didn't have to go to their waiting list.  I had to wait till that last day to find out, April 15th.  I found out that Sunday at 7:30 in the evening.   I wasn't consciously as crushed as I thought I would be.  I'd been prepared emotionally.  But physically I felt my body react.  I was hurt.

Overall it was a rough application process.  My one recommender from Budapest (who thought I was so original and a revolutionary) only sent the recommendation to one school - even though he assured me he'd done it for all.  He then disappeared.  Prick.  I know it affected my chances.  Not only was it my most recent work and the most relevant, but I didn't finish the program.  There was a lot to say.  A lot of questions to answer.  If he didn't believe in me enough he could have at least had the balls to tell me he wasn't going to do it so I could ask someone else.  Don Kalb....  WTF!!!  I know at one school the incomplete application excluded me from funding and th regular admissions process.

But hey, not that the blame should be put anywhere but on me.  I went to West Virginia University to play football, I got a 3.1 GPA there, I have crappy GRE scores and refuse to take them again on principle, it is my responsibility to pick good recommenders.  Still....  !@$%#%.  It sucks.  I understand that I am a different type of candidate.  I understand that I don't have all the good schools, all the good names, all the great grades and such behind me.  But I have experiences, I have an analytical lens, and apparently an incredibly unique view of things and way of doing things.  These are apparently things that I value but that programs do not.  I didn't get great grades in High School, I didn't blow college out of the water, and I haven't followed the typical career ladder for an academic.  BUT THAT IS WHY ACADEMIA SHOULD BE INTERESTED!!  I am different, and that is what academia needs!!  Or at least that's what I think.  It is however, just another institution of the capitalist vanguard. 

So as it is, this has been a very disappointing stretch.  I have put so much into academia and towards getting into a PhD program as my preferred method for both understanding and bringing about change.  Perhaps I'll never be able to separate myself from the dyslexic football player that has bounced around the world learning and doing various things in various atypical ways though.  But should I?  I study the individual and competition because I know what it is like to be called "the most competitive person I've every coached", I study the economics of post-conflict areas because I have seen first hand the horrors of working in that industry and walked through one, I know how to rebuild after a disaster in a foreign country because I have physically knocked down and rebuilt walls in Eastern Europe, and I apparently come to it all through different ways of thought because my brain is somehow constructed differently.  Yeah, I can read, but I've never learned nearly as much from reading as I have from living.      

The issue now though is what does this mean for me today.  It would seem that for now, I guess it means that the dream of spending my days learning and getting paid to do it aren't happening.  Yes, it is disappointing.  But it was the Buddha that said that life itself was about suffering.  Perhaps he was on to something?  Perhaps... but I think at this point it really could be about opportunity.  Just as in the other times I've applied and not gotten in or funding, I now have every door open to me.  I am in a very different position in life.  I am in NYC surrounded by and enmeshed within some solid networks.  I have gotten some great advice and had some wonderful things pop up this week that have allowed me to think of things in very different lights as well.  Perhaps it is time to focus on carving out my own niche, reinventing myself, and following my heart.  It is no coincidence that every stop along my academic career both others and myself have felt I am atypical and march to a different beat.  While I thought there should be a place for that in Academia, it may not be so.  As such, while what beat I will be marching to is yet to be found, I know where my passions lay, and I am excited at the opportunity to follow them (even if it means more struggle).  Of course, I will always want to be doing intellectual/academic type work - engaging in that type of thought process - but perhaps that isn't the right road for me.  I have to find a new path, one that isn't marked yet.  A trail isn't yet a trail if it goes off trail....

Dilemmas...

So given my last post I think it's pretty safe to say that I am coming up upon a transition point.  Two years of "little" to show for my passion, past, and hard work is tough to take, and I now may have a decision to make.  I got another call from the organization in Connecticut that I had spoken with about working for them several months ago.  They now want me to come up to their Massachusetts office for the whole of next week and feel each other out and see what kind of future could be possible there.

The previous position they had talked about was basically an entry level position with barely enough of a wage to justify moving to Connecticut, nevermind getting really excited about the immediate career option.  That position, weighed against the piecemeal system I have set up here in NY that caters toward my long term ambitions, my Africa work, and family/friends, was tough to justify moving for.  However, they are now talking about something entirely different, thus a dilemma.

The organization, New England Business Associates, is based in Springfield, Massachusetts (with several other offices in MA) and is a non-profit organization that specializes in working with people with disabilities.  They are now expanding their operations into Connecticut.  It has been three months since I originally interviewed with them (and they then unceremoniously fell out of touch with me).  However, they have now reappeared and offered me what seems to be the number two position in Connecticut, and what may be the highest permanent position there.  Their Director of Development is spearheading the expansion and overseeing everything right now.  As would be expected, she seems to be getting a bit overwhelmed as things take shape there.  Thus the need for more wo/manpower.

This type of position completely changes my evaluation of the options in front of me.  Obviously nothing can be decided until the end of next week when all the details of my options will be directly in front of me.  However, this doesn't mean I can't lay out my options here in advance and help set a foundation for a decision (and solicit advice).  So here we go, present day:

• Living in my family's home, which they are in the process of trying to sell.  Meaning uncertainty presently, and that I would then have to either find my own apartment (which I can't afford as am), live in a car (which I have yet to attain - though am close), or move in with my grandparents (which requires a discussion within itself).
• I am committed to working as a girl's lacrosse official which would bring in a livable income and is between 50 and 91 dollars per hour.  Good money, but only lasts through mid June.  I could get another flexible retail position, and there is a pittance from unemployment should I not make enough in a week.
• I am volunteering with Safe Harbors in Newburgh on two events there, a community clean up day and a 5k road race.  I must admit though that it has been tough to do this given a depressed state of mind and/or trying to focus on getting myself out of this state.
• I have a long standing network of friends here, one that since my Africa trip and malaria, seems to have become really important to me.  It's almost like since my time alone in the hospital I want nothing more than social interaction and genuine friendly compassion.
• Family.  My grandparents are 87 years old.  They have lived a long full life and deserve to have people there for them (they live about 3 minutes drive away now).  My parents have been helping them their whole lives and are in a tough position right now in terms of housing and will be moving to Rhode Island.  My grandparents will be left alone here in the NY area.  I want to stay here for them.  It would mean so much to both of us.
• Time to write and read.  My long term goals are about thinking, reading, writing, creating new ideas and systems.  I have time right now to spend doing all these things.  I have gotten off track a bit with the malaria, but am finding my way again.  I could try to publish some things I've been working on, and make myself more knowledgeable.  
• My Walking Lion project, both Sierra Leone and locally.  If I took a job in Connecticut I'd have to mostly leave this behind.  I could not travel to Sierra Leone for more than a couple weeks a year and I wouldn't be living in Newburgh or even close enough to do anything there.  I put in a lot of work, said a lot of things that I want to stand behind, and made some serious sacrifices that I would hate to have go to waste.  Granted there is not much to count on (I think I'll have to write another post on that), but as I've said, the whole thing is notoriously slow.  I just spoke to Yapo and then got a follow up email from him as well.  The solar lamps aren't looking so great right now do to legal issues.  Other options are being discussed, but there are lots of uncertainties.  But I have time on the ground and a part of my heart is there, I want to do things, the things I said I would try to do.  If I take a different job, I can't do them.  I couldn't actually go there for enough time to get things done as I'd like.
• Future PhD, I have been thinking about this for years and always come back to it.  I was thinking to take a class at CUNY in NYC (a top choice for me) in the fall to try to help them see me for what I am, rather than the poor dyslexic test scores I have.  I would then apply next winter for School in 2012.  I could then stay in NY and be around for my grandparents indefinitely and move toward my longer term goals and the future I want.  (Success with my Africa work, and time writing, would really help my application as well). 
• Freedom.  I would be free to come and go.  Africa, Central Asia, Europe.  Wherever I could be learning and bettering myself, and writing about it.  Nomadic, poorly funded, but working towards my goals one shoe string at a time. 
• Basically, I have established a nomadic, poorly funded, and fluid lifestyle but am working towards my goals one shoe string at a time.  But there is no stability.  There is no security.  Perhaps if I had a stable home it could be.  I have enough unemployment and part-time work to survive while I try to attain my goals.  Housing is the only real uncertainty.  Yes, it would be nice to have finances to live off and to set up other things such as Africa, but it is not life threatening with out.  This road would be much more difficult and risky than the other, but could get me where I want to be longer term sooner, and only makes sense if viewed in terms of these long term goals.

 Option two, details TBD:

• Be an intricate part of setting up, and then running, an expansionary program for people with disabilities in Connecticut.  It sounds at this point that I would be in a key position and perhaps the regional manager in the future.  A challenge with a good level of responsibility, and satisfaction doing something I would believe in.  A very appealing option.
• Stability.  I would have a decent salary, benefits, vacation time, etc.  I have not had this for a long time and it could open up many doors for me.
• Moving to Connecticut.  This by itself does not present much of an issue, except for what I would be leaving behind.  I would be an hour and a half away from my grandparents.
• I could save money, set myself up for future endeavors, donate to Africa or wherever, travel on vacations.
• Write in my free time, which I would think I would have a decent amount of.
• Basically, this option is the standard American option.  Same normal life that everyone here thinks of when they think of an ideal life.  A job, a home, stability, etc.  Something I need, something I would really like.  I could do this for years and find comfort in it.
• I will not know the extent of it in terms of scope of work or pay until next week.  We shall see... 

I think the essence of all this is that it is a change of life.  I will be walking away from everything that I have been doing and working towards for the last however many years.  I will be committing to the US, to a career pathway I haven't necessarily always wanted.  I will be giving up a lot of the things that have been important to me and i have worked towards.  I always want to be abroad, seeing, learning, doing, helping.  So many friends abroad, a way of life that feels more comfortable to me.  I have sort of fallen into this sort of alter ego, "walking lion", and I like it.  I like who I am and what I am working towards.  Settling in in the middle of Connecticut, making new friends, meeting knew people.  But will they be the type of people I will really identify with, want to be around and help me move towards my longer term goals?  Will my life really be a life that I can identify with?  I feel a bit like I would be settling and giving up for a bit, swimming with the tide, becoming a part of the system, part of what the problem, the band-aid, in our world is.  But I would also be able to breath while doing something I would believe in and enjoy.  Something that could facilitate any number of things in the future.  Which is this the right thing to do?  Be a part of society to change it, or stick to its fringes?  I know everyone's advice will be to take the job, but will any of those people ever change the course of history?  Will I?