What started as an awareness raising and ethnographic styled walk through Sierra Leone, this site now details the encounters of a not so academic academic who spends more time occupying Wall Street and squats than a university...

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Why Yesterday Sucked.

Right, so yesterday sucked.  Yeah, I know I'm repeating the title, but it really did suck.  You'd think on the surface that it could have been a pretty promising day.  I had this NY Times political roundtable discussion on the economy surrounding the electoral debacle we're in the middle of right now.  It's been on my radar for a few weeks and I was pretty excited about it.  But I realized that despite my delushions of grandeur about how it could somehow knight in shinning armor my job prospects forward, that concept was just plain absurd.  The program was a half hour discussion.  I spoke three times, one of which had some technical person chatting in my ear.  I mean, not that it didn't go just fine, but in my head somewhere the thought that - really?!?! - this was somehow going to solve the jobless issue!?  Ha!!  You know, thinking that someone is going to take a peak at this show and say, hey, that guy's got some talents that might be helpful.  Lets get him in here.  Or maybe that I would put the link up on my resume with the smattering of other media appearance I've had with Occupy and that it was going to be presenting some rock star type video appearance that would bring everyone running to hire me.  Yeah, delusions of grandeur!  haha!!

I mean, I'm not sure I even believed any of this.  I don't even remember really thinking about that consciously before hand in any concerted way.  But it felt like I had afterwards.  I got out of the discussion and it was so anti-climactic.  It was just done, and the lady said; "ok, so the exit's over there, thanks."  Away I went.  I was on the sidewalk literally four minutes after It was over.  I didn't really get to talk to anyone about it or get any feedback.  In and out.  Why was I expecting more? 

Oh well, I walked back down to the village to pick up my bike and drop my keys off at the old place I was staying this past year.    That was depressing as well.  As if I thought maybe they'd let me keep them so I could check in on the place when they needed it.  I love those people and somehow want to be able to stay involved with them.  Giving keys back changes things, means something. 

I of course was struggling by this point.  I didn't get halfway from midtown before I was taking a shot in a liquor store.  What!?!?  Do you put that one out there for the public?  I guess I just did... unemployment isn't a fairy tale, nor should it be air brushed.  Not sure why.  It was there, I was feeling unemployed and unloved?  One little nipper.  "I don't need a bag, it'll be gone by the time I get to the door!"  I don't even really drink that much, but it seemed like medicine yesterday.  It didn't help though. 

The day's lesson was much deeper than my emotions at that moment.  The key to this day's was that I learned something much deeper: that I am smart.  I have so much to offer people and the world.  People keep telling me this, yet the establishment doesn't corroborate it.  But I am, and I mean that.  I get into these settings, talking to people, talking about the world and politics and society, offering knowledge, experiences, a critique, challenges, and possible solutions, and I feel like I'm alive and have purpose.  But I still have no work. 

I felt empoweringly dismal.  Like I'm this hidden gem that needs a little polishing.  I'm not an executive assistant, I'm not a retail worker, I'm not a 9 to 5er.  I'm a thinker.  And yeah, all of those positions can use thinkers, but they are not what's best there it seems.  My mind is in a different place from these jobs I'm applying for and the employers know it.  I talk about ideology and meaning in work at interviews.  I speak about intrinsic motivations and ways to make things better.  I talk about things that are above the position's mandates and requirements that are not as productive as it seems others want. 

So what do I do?  It'd be like taking the wild out of the lion's eye to tame this.  I don't know where I will find freedom.  But right now, I truly feel caged.  I'm trying to fit myself into a world that I could be completely happy with, but that others don't seem ready to believe that I could.  Why can't I be both the uncaged thinking beast and the efficient productive worker?  I can.  I have been.  I'm smart.  I'm passionate.  I'm capable.

Oh, and the Giants lost,
my phone died,
and if I had a dog,
someone kicked it! 

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