Forever and a day....

So it actually sees like it has been about that long since the last time I posted, and it has been a tough road to get here.  I ended up taking that job, but went through a lot of unpleasantries before and throughout the transition process.  I've moved, had some family issues, got a car, took the job, spent some time living in the woods, lost a few friends, and on the whole have caved in to some of the realities of the life that one seems to have to live to exist in America.  I must say that I have found a decent amount of difficulty living here in the area that I am - I just plainly do not fit in.  It is tough to spend pretty much a third of your life (almost the whole of the adult part) abroad, living in different cultures, seeing different ways of life.  Simply changing as a person.  I seem now to be half American and half alien. 

There are so many things done well and exemplary here in America, but also so many things that I do differently from people here.  My priorities are quite different as well.  I don't just want to get a job and settle into a life here.  I want to make a difference, I want the life I settle in to too mean something outside my little sphere.  I want to make people in the far reaching corners of the world's lives more fulfilling, give them more options.  Yes, there are of course people here interested in this type of stuff, but the contextualization of it all is so different.  And I will say this as well; living in America is taking away some of my principles, waning on my idealistic motives.  You can't survive living the life of an idealist here.  People on the whole will truly respect your passion, the things you want to do in life, the changes you want to make and people you want to help, but American society is so individualized and focused on the local self that there really is little place for the idealist.  Yes, NGO's, non-profits, etc, but I'm in one now and it is so systemically neutered that there is no way to truly bring about change, and certainly not on a large scale.

American culture is to me very limited, very closed.  I suppose this is culture anywhere though, it sees through its own eyes, colored by its own past, its own social context.  But American culture places American ideals, ways of life, and standards of living as the preeminent ones in the world.  An arrogance that only seems to be found in other current or former world powers.  If we are the best, why change?  Maybe tweak things, but why truly change?  The way I live my life, the goals I aspire to, they run against American cultural streams, and change itself runs against every cultural stream.

When you tell people you want to change a world they feel comfortable with, they can easily become cross with you, especially if you are unapologetic about your views/reasons and assertive - two things I tend to be.  Not that we are all the same in America, and that everyone is included in this, but a social system is just that, a system with main streams and separate outliers.  I am an outlier.  The last several months have shown this to me in even more vibrant colors than ever before.

So now I just put my head down, do my job, and hope/work towards another day when I can do what I believe we all should be doing; working towards true systemic change.  The world is neutering me, but I will not allow it to be permanent.  I will not allow it to take away my dreams or my goals.   

Dilemmas...

So given my last post I think it's pretty safe to say that I am coming up upon a transition point.  Two years of "little" to show for my passion, past, and hard work is tough to take, and I now may have a decision to make.  I got another call from the organization in Connecticut that I had spoken with about working for them several months ago.  They now want me to come up to their Massachusetts office for the whole of next week and feel each other out and see what kind of future could be possible there.

The previous position they had talked about was basically an entry level position with barely enough of a wage to justify moving to Connecticut, nevermind getting really excited about the immediate career option.  That position, weighed against the piecemeal system I have set up here in NY that caters toward my long term ambitions, my Africa work, and family/friends, was tough to justify moving for.  However, they are now talking about something entirely different, thus a dilemma.

The organization, New England Business Associates, is based in Springfield, Massachusetts (with several other offices in MA) and is a non-profit organization that specializes in working with people with disabilities.  They are now expanding their operations into Connecticut.  It has been three months since I originally interviewed with them (and they then unceremoniously fell out of touch with me).  However, they have now reappeared and offered me what seems to be the number two position in Connecticut, and what may be the highest permanent position there.  Their Director of Development is spearheading the expansion and overseeing everything right now.  As would be expected, she seems to be getting a bit overwhelmed as things take shape there.  Thus the need for more wo/manpower.

This type of position completely changes my evaluation of the options in front of me.  Obviously nothing can be decided until the end of next week when all the details of my options will be directly in front of me.  However, this doesn't mean I can't lay out my options here in advance and help set a foundation for a decision (and solicit advice).  So here we go, present day:

• Living in my family's home, which they are in the process of trying to sell.  Meaning uncertainty presently, and that I would then have to either find my own apartment (which I can't afford as am), live in a car (which I have yet to attain - though am close), or move in with my grandparents (which requires a discussion within itself).
• I am committed to working as a girl's lacrosse official which would bring in a livable income and is between 50 and 91 dollars per hour.  Good money, but only lasts through mid June.  I could get another flexible retail position, and there is a pittance from unemployment should I not make enough in a week.
• I am volunteering with Safe Harbors in Newburgh on two events there, a community clean up day and a 5k road race.  I must admit though that it has been tough to do this given a depressed state of mind and/or trying to focus on getting myself out of this state.
• I have a long standing network of friends here, one that since my Africa trip and malaria, seems to have become really important to me.  It's almost like since my time alone in the hospital I want nothing more than social interaction and genuine friendly compassion.
• Family.  My grandparents are 87 years old.  They have lived a long full life and deserve to have people there for them (they live about 3 minutes drive away now).  My parents have been helping them their whole lives and are in a tough position right now in terms of housing and will be moving to Rhode Island.  My grandparents will be left alone here in the NY area.  I want to stay here for them.  It would mean so much to both of us.
• Time to write and read.  My long term goals are about thinking, reading, writing, creating new ideas and systems.  I have time right now to spend doing all these things.  I have gotten off track a bit with the malaria, but am finding my way again.  I could try to publish some things I've been working on, and make myself more knowledgeable.  
• My Walking Lion project, both Sierra Leone and locally.  If I took a job in Connecticut I'd have to mostly leave this behind.  I could not travel to Sierra Leone for more than a couple weeks a year and I wouldn't be living in Newburgh or even close enough to do anything there.  I put in a lot of work, said a lot of things that I want to stand behind, and made some serious sacrifices that I would hate to have go to waste.  Granted there is not much to count on (I think I'll have to write another post on that), but as I've said, the whole thing is notoriously slow.  I just spoke to Yapo and then got a follow up email from him as well.  The solar lamps aren't looking so great right now do to legal issues.  Other options are being discussed, but there are lots of uncertainties.  But I have time on the ground and a part of my heart is there, I want to do things, the things I said I would try to do.  If I take a different job, I can't do them.  I couldn't actually go there for enough time to get things done as I'd like.
• Future PhD, I have been thinking about this for years and always come back to it.  I was thinking to take a class at CUNY in NYC (a top choice for me) in the fall to try to help them see me for what I am, rather than the poor dyslexic test scores I have.  I would then apply next winter for School in 2012.  I could then stay in NY and be around for my grandparents indefinitely and move toward my longer term goals and the future I want.  (Success with my Africa work, and time writing, would really help my application as well). 
• Freedom.  I would be free to come and go.  Africa, Central Asia, Europe.  Wherever I could be learning and bettering myself, and writing about it.  Nomadic, poorly funded, but working towards my goals one shoe string at a time. 
• Basically, I have established a nomadic, poorly funded, and fluid lifestyle but am working towards my goals one shoe string at a time.  But there is no stability.  There is no security.  Perhaps if I had a stable home it could be.  I have enough unemployment and part-time work to survive while I try to attain my goals.  Housing is the only real uncertainty.  Yes, it would be nice to have finances to live off and to set up other things such as Africa, but it is not life threatening with out.  This road would be much more difficult and risky than the other, but could get me where I want to be longer term sooner, and only makes sense if viewed in terms of these long term goals.

 Option two, details TBD:

• Be an intricate part of setting up, and then running, an expansionary program for people with disabilities in Connecticut.  It sounds at this point that I would be in a key position and perhaps the regional manager in the future.  A challenge with a good level of responsibility, and satisfaction doing something I would believe in.  A very appealing option.
• Stability.  I would have a decent salary, benefits, vacation time, etc.  I have not had this for a long time and it could open up many doors for me.
• Moving to Connecticut.  This by itself does not present much of an issue, except for what I would be leaving behind.  I would be an hour and a half away from my grandparents.
• I could save money, set myself up for future endeavors, donate to Africa or wherever, travel on vacations.
• Write in my free time, which I would think I would have a decent amount of.
• Basically, this option is the standard American option.  Same normal life that everyone here thinks of when they think of an ideal life.  A job, a home, stability, etc.  Something I need, something I would really like.  I could do this for years and find comfort in it.
• I will not know the extent of it in terms of scope of work or pay until next week.  We shall see... 

I think the essence of all this is that it is a change of life.  I will be walking away from everything that I have been doing and working towards for the last however many years.  I will be committing to the US, to a career pathway I haven't necessarily always wanted.  I will be giving up a lot of the things that have been important to me and i have worked towards.  I always want to be abroad, seeing, learning, doing, helping.  So many friends abroad, a way of life that feels more comfortable to me.  I have sort of fallen into this sort of alter ego, "walking lion", and I like it.  I like who I am and what I am working towards.  Settling in in the middle of Connecticut, making new friends, meeting knew people.  But will they be the type of people I will really identify with, want to be around and help me move towards my longer term goals?  Will my life really be a life that I can identify with?  I feel a bit like I would be settling and giving up for a bit, swimming with the tide, becoming a part of the system, part of what the problem, the band-aid, in our world is.  But I would also be able to breath while doing something I would believe in and enjoy.  Something that could facilitate any number of things in the future.  Which is this the right thing to do?  Be a part of society to change it, or stick to its fringes?  I know everyone's advice will be to take the job, but will any of those people ever change the course of history?  Will I?

tick tock...

(jeopardy theme hums...)  So when is something going to happen?  Yes, this post is not going to be about things happening, but about if/when, and about feelings...  Yeah, I like to put forth positivity and promote all the wonderful things that are going on.  I'm an optimist.  But one of the key things that I did on my trip to Africa was to write, to write honestly, openly, and with no holds barred.  That works fine when no one you're working with reads your posts.  You can't hurt your negotiating or marketing position.  Since I've been back in the US I have realized this is tough to do.  People read this.  So I have tried to put forth the "right" face.  But I've gotten to the point where it is time to express my internal scenario here.  This site was always about the journey of trying to make this type of thing happen, and the struggle I'm facing is just as much a part of that journey as anything. 

Make no mistake, this is a solid struggle.  I am now coming up on two years back in the US, after spending most of the previous decade abroad.  I have been un/underemployed for the entire time back here.  One of the main catalysts for going to Africa was because I couldn't find a job or the money to start my own business.  I packed my bag and went to Sierra Leone because I frankly didn't have anything else to do.  It was the best way to both learn about the world and to make things happen.  But it was also about changing the course of the path I'd been on since returning from abroad.  I am now armed with so much more experience than before and even with prospective projects to put on the ground.  But still, I find myself, unemployed, on food stamps, no car, about to have no home, and stuck sitting around all day waiting for Africa... sigh..

Wake Up!!

I have put my future in the hands of African governance, African time, and in capitalism's stagnant economic realities.  And I'll tell you what, it doesn't seem like its the safest of bets!  Fact of the matter is that I want nothing more than to make this work, but as it is currently not really working, I am realizing another need: stability.  I am back in the US and Hudson Valley because of a familiar support structure.  I want to spend time with my 87 year old grandparents, I have friends here, my family.  If there was a place to call home, this would seem like the first place to start, nevermind to be able to play entrepreneur.  However, for all the things that there are here, there is nothing else.  There are no jobs (and frankly, given the economic climate we're in and the number of applications for jobs, I wouldn't interview me), there is no capital, no money.  I've been out of work now for over two years including school, and my work prior was all over the world and not easy to quantify.  Of course I can do the jobs, I can do anything, literally anything.  But this doesn't matter, it is never about what you can do, but what you appear to have done.  I've done a tremendous amount in life, but this is apparently not interesting enough.

So here I sit, languishing.  I am nothing of the man I was two years ago.  I was all over the world, using other languages, living amongst other cultures, reading, writing, working, learning.. everyday, all day.  Now, I fester away in suburbia.  I have tried to make things happen, but it becomes more and more difficult to summon up the inner fortitude to continue to try over and over again.  Websites and shoe stores?  A self funded trip to Sierra Leone?  Malaria?  My own business?  But it is just not that simple.  There is not a whole heck of a lot that you can do alone.

This business I am working to set up has some realities and parameters that are pretty concrete.  I need it to be about Africa first.  I want to do work locally in Newburgh, but there is no starting there, there just isn't the margins for success.  In Africa there are plenty of opportunities to make substantial revenue streams that can fund other projects both locally and abroad.  How much do you think I'd get in donations to start another non-profit in Newburgh?  If Africa falls through and it is just about Newburgh, it isn't viable.  So it has to be about developing economies such as Sierra Leone. 

Here in lies the problem.  I am not getting the things out of Africa that I need.  It has been over a month now with only a text message and one two minutes phone conversation.  I have not been able to get the costs and numbers I need to move forward with planning and funding the situation here in the US.  I need someone there getting things done.  Do I need to go back for a couple weeks, plan this whole project out and then come back and get the money?  Didn't I just do that?  There obviously needs to be oversight, someone there keeping things moving.  I have contacted my friend in the Peace Corps to see if they could help, and I'm now waiting for their reply. 

Fact of the matter is, this is weighing heavily on me.  I have to be able to maintain myself as a human being.  I don't need much, a room or two to call home, some food, friends...  But most importantly, I need something productive to do with myself that will then provide for the aforementioned things.  Officiating girls lacrosse isn't exactly the most fulfilling of careers.  People do it to supplement their incomes.  It is now my only job, my professional outlet.  I need to get back to interacting with people, inspiring people and being inspired, motivated.  This is not the life that I envision for myself.  I want to make a difference, I want to be thinking about grand schemes and unimaginable ideas.  I am talented and capable.  Yet instead, I am sitting in a room, writing somber blog posts, trying to get my medicaid sorted out, and wondering what is next, if anything. 

Sigh... I am capable of so much more, and I've done so much more... 

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results... then I am definitively insane...  ;) 

Solar Street Lamps

So the main project that we are focusing on right now is solar street lamps for the city of Makeni. In looking at the three projects that I came back from Sierra Leone with this one seems to be the most attainable at this point.  Granted there is an awful lot to do between now and instalation, including sorting through Sierra Leone's entire governmental apparatus.  But as it is, right now it really looks to be the most feasible.  The brick project requires a lot in terms of expertise, local business infrastructure, and time in country.  It is also a commitment for a longer term production process.  The solar street lamp project on the other hand is a one-off endeavor with a definite start, end, and result.  This I think is best for setting up this business endeavor in Sierra Leone.  Lessons will of course be learned during the process that could easily be used to set up a better production scenario in our other endeavors.  It also can be a solid revenue generator in a shorter fixed term.  Source the lamps, ship them, install them, done.  It's obviously much more complicated, but not like the brick project's open-ended scenario including local production facilities, local sales teams, local distribution networks, local management, and permanent staff.  It is a huge commitment that needs time and planning.  By focusing on the lamps, we can work through the planning of the bricks at the same time without as much risk.

The Lamps are an intricate process as well though.  We have to source the lamps and the poles and ship them to Sierra Leone, where they will have to pass through customs and the entire African shipping process.  From there we have to arrange transport to Makeni and storage for them.  Local labor and materials will be needed for the installation and setup.  The lights themselves are easy to assemble and put up, but the poles would be more difficult as getting them set permanently in the ground brings challenges in a city that still shows some of the effects of war. 

All this is coupled with the governmental aspect of the project.  This would be an open bid through the governments procurement process.  Which I would imagine is a road that will have its share of winding turns...  Also financing the project will be quite delicate.  There would be some advanced governmental payment for the contract.  This would then need to be balanced with the down payments and extensions of credit negotiated with suppliers.  We may need to stagger the delivery and installation of the lamps in order to be able to balance the whole project.  This of course is not the way we'd want to do it as it would cost more on the whole in both money and time, but if this is what allows us to get the contract done, then it would be worth it to establish the company and its credit.  If we do a good job, there will be more cities looking for lights.  Have to start somewhere.  We will see...

But on the whole it seems like a good place to start.  Straight forward, one-off, deliverable project, with a good revenue upside.  With this one done, we could fund the brick making project, an internet/office facility in Sierra Leone, and set up Newburgh so we could run the diaspora funding network from there and then some local programs as well.  Giddie up!!    

Clean Me Up!!

So the other night I spent a nice evening working with the people of Safe Harbors on the Hudson (as well as other community members) to help plan a cleanup day for Newburgh.  Obviously, as you've probably gotten from my recent posts, Newburgh has some serious issues, garbage and a general culture of disrepair being among them.  Safe Harbors has decided that on May 7th (tentatively) they will organize the local community members and organizations to spend the morning trying to change some of this.

The meeting went quite well, there were about ten people there and an infinite number of ideas.  A lot of progress was made and it felt quite good to get back involved in this type of thing.  Un/self employment (never mind malaria) can bring about a decent malaise or disconnect that stagnates you.  I still don't feel as sharp as I was, but it was great to get back involved in a planning/strategy session. 
 
There are countless things to do, from getting volunteers, to sponsors and partners, to dumpsters and slogans.  But the room seemed to be motivated and involved, so I don't doubt that something great will come of it.  For my part I will be working on an educational aspect to the day and also on getting local colleges and students as well as a few environmental institutions involved.  As well as myself!!  Which will be nice indeed!!

...slowly

So progress is not moving forward as I would prefer for it to.  Mostly because of the simple phrase "TIA" (This/That is Africa).  But also, because of the realities of minimal man power and finances.  I have been working of late on a business plan.  But it is slow going.  I have the concepts and the ideology written in all sorts of depth and multiple ways, but I need specifics, and these are tough to come by when you are relying on others and/or yourself to stretch your areas of experience too broadly.  I am not a lawyer, nor do I have the money to pay one (especially before I can take donations/do work), so incorporating is tough.  I need to get this organization registered asap.  For this though. I need help, and I am having trouble finding it. 

The most important thing I keep reminding myself of is that no one truly shares your own passion for the things you're focused on.  Without being able to provide incentives, things become much more difficult with other people.  Even organizations such as GET that are designed to help an organization just like mine don't really seem so interested in having to actually do work.  As a result of all this, a person in my situation has to be able to do everything.  You become the lawyer, the business man, the project designer, the anthropologist, the accountant, the negotiator, and on and on...  Yeah, Ok, Ok, I know, you say: hey that is what starting this type of thing is about.  Doing everything, being everything.  It's been so long since I did business in the US, I feel like I'm starting over!!

The issue I've been having right now though is that there are just some things I can't do without the right information, and I can't get it myself.  Working with Africa is a huge challenge.  In all these meetings I've been having in Newburgh, everyone wants to know why I am not more focused on a specific thing.  I think I am, I want to set up shop in Newburgh to do business in Sierra Leone, and then once I can, do work in Newburgh as well.  I am not tied to a specific 'type' of work - recycling, or vocational training, or whatever - thus am open to any opportunities that can generate revenue and allow for more projects/development. 

In Sierra Leone we have identified several opportunities that could both generate revenue and jobs for local people.  These projects can be far more lucrative than anything we could do in Newburgh right now.  So the company hinges on Sierra Leone.  And up until yesterday, I hadn't heard anything from Yapo (my guy in SL) for well over two weeks.  This is the tricky part of it all.  Not only are you dealing with people that have other things in life that they are/have to do, but you are dealing with the technology and infrastructure of the poorest per capita country in the world.  You can go a whole week there an have NO internet and no one even thinks twice.  Computers are down, the generator runs out of fuel, you pass a place serving palm wine, whatever.  :)  It is a very slow process.

To put together this business plan I have to have any number of things, but costings and estimates for the projects in Sierra Leone are a foundation of it.  This takes time, and doesn't help when I feel the urgency here to incorporate, tie it down, focus it.  Yet, I can't get the information - through no fault of any one person - for weeks at a time.  TIA.  

So what does all this babble mean...??  It means that this is a tough process.  No money, little support, and an unstable personal living situation make things tough.  Splitting time between reviewing girl's lacrosse rules for my spring refereeing job, incorporating in NY, importing solar street lamps into Sierra Leone, volunteer work in Newburgh, social services doing NO part of their Medicaid job, malaria's after affects, life, etc.  But hey, it is the challenges in life that provide us with the opportunity for the successes that we so cherish.  And this is what it is all about, creating this project, and making it successful...  Yes, it would be nice if I had a more stable foundation to do it from, but that just isn't the case, so be it...   

"Things arise and she lets them come;
things disappear and she lets them go.
She has but doesn't possess,
acts but doesn't expect.
When her work is done, she forgets it.
That is why it lasts forever."
-Lao Zi